View Full Version : how about some jokes
04-18-2007, 02:58 AM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
04-18-2007, 02:59 AM
The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed ,"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head , "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
04-18-2007, 03:00 AM
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent workers. He decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came to work the next morning with a horrible hangover from partying most of the night before. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never needed to do this before but I have to
lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like Crap."
04-18-2007, 03:01 AM
04-18-2007, 03:01 AM
A drunk wobbles down the street after he leaves a bar, and notices a nun walking by. He immediately grabs her, punches her in the face, knocks her down, and proceeds to kick her repeatedly in the ribs. As he tries to stagger away, he mumbles down at her, "You're not all that tough tonight, are you, BATMAN!"
04-21-2007, 04:04 AM
anybody out there?
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
04-21-2007, 04:07 AM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
04-21-2007, 07:10 AM
Good ones Larry. I love Wal-mart yokes.
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