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thearchivist
01-30-2006, 11:32 PM
Deb and I had been a couple for several months now and I noted a certain hesitance in her desire for a more formal understanding. She was concerned that if my old girlfriend showed up I would dump her. She believed it would be in my best interest if I saw her again and went out of her way to arrange it. As I look back now I understand her apprehension.
Our first date we spent several hours walking and talking, I apologized for the horrible thing I did to her and nearly to our child. I begged her forgiveness. She, in turn, explained why we could never be together again. She placed our child for adoption because she knew I would be relentless in my pursuit of them. She feared what that might mean for our daughter if her defenses weakened, if only for a moment. To get back together now, after the sacrifices she had to make, would be to admit she was wrong. That would mean her sacrifice was in vain. We cried together for our lost child. We cried for the loss of innocence. I comforted her, saying it was entirely my fault. She had done what any loving mother would do and put the safety of her child before her own emotional needs. We walked in silence down the tree-lined streets, holding each other’s hand, each grieving in our inner solitude. We spoke of what happened the day I died. Why she left before I awoke (three days later). The devastation I faced due to her absence. I told her what memories my swiss cheese brain had of the events of that fateful day, and we walked on. She spoke of the ultimate joy she felt as new life grew inside her and the crushing loneliness she felt because she couldn’t trust me to share the experience with. She spoke of the laughter Valerie would evoke from her when she kicked. The tears she shed into her pillow because I wasn’t there for her.
The pressure exerted on her by well meaning friends and family to give her child up for adoption. They were only acting in her best interest and I was not to be trusted. The tears flowed down my face as the gravity of her sense of loss sank in to me. My own fears of hurting her more than I already had, kept me from carrying the battle for our child’s custody becoming a raging court issue. Her family and friends advised me the legal actions I had already taken were devastating her and if I won it would be at the cost of her sanity. I couldn’t hurt her anymore and our child was lost to us. All to soon, the first date ended and I asked if she would speak with me again. She agreed. Letting go of her hand that day was one of the hardest things I have done in my life.
Our next date proceeded much like the first, walking about the campus discussing what we did while we were separated. I told her of the agony of going through drug withdrawal when breaking the habit. The vile, hateful things that spew from your mind and body as you try to find your way back to sanity. My quest to find and keep a job. My efforts to contact her directly, which were constantly thwarted by her family. My efforts to develop back channels to try and reach out to her, which met with only marginal success. We discussed a mutual acquaintance, the social worker that engineered the adoption. My decision to return to school when I finally accepted the world I had struggled so hard to build for us was but an illusion of my own making. Why Debbie sought her out, why we were talking, why I felt the need to resolve the state of our relationship. All to soon, this date ended as the first but this time she turned placing her trembling hand ever so gently on my cheek and kissed me. She asked if we could meet again and I said yes.
The third date began as before with a walk about the campus grounds but it wasn’t long before Dorothy complained about being cold and asked if I would take her to my room and I agreed. I took her coat and led her to a desk chair, so she could sit. She asked if I had anything to drink and I explained all I could offer her was water but I could run down the hall to a vending machine in the lobby if she wanted a pop. She smiled and said it would be kind of me. When I came back I found her lying naked on my bed, trying her best to look sexy while chewing her lower lip as she always had when she was nervous.
In that instant I knew she had taken a leap of faith and was prepared to trust me absolutely once again. I was moved deeply by her courageous decision but also knew in my heart I had not earned such a magnificent gift. I could not bring myself to speak as the emotions welling up within me forced tears from my eyes. I bent to pick up her clothing and placed them in her hand. She puzzled at my gesture and I kissed her forehead and told her good bye for the final time. As I closed the door behind me I wept openly, walking to Debbie’s room to ask her to take Dot home. Deb had been right, my heart and head were finally in sync. That chapter of my life was over and I needed to focus on the road ahead of me. Dorothy, my first great love would always be in my heart but never again in my life.
I thought I could never love anyone as deeply as I did Dorothy, whose love was like a comet shooting across the night sky. While the love I have for Debbie is like the sun, constant and sure in its heat. I pray it shall endure so, till my death.

davesmistress
10-05-2006, 02:50 AM
Thanks...hope others enjoy

davesmistress
11-16-2006, 05:25 PM
Thought Id bring this up again.....:)

hawk9934
11-16-2006, 07:02 PM
I agree, good story, more people need to read

davesmistress
11-17-2006, 04:43 AM
Thanks Hawk....I hope they do also......:)