View Full Version : Nightmare At The White House -

06-30-2007, 04:29 AM
This is Political Satire: just a friendly warning!!!

* * *

“He will see you now,” the aide said, showing me to the door.

“Ah, thank you,” I replied, worrying there was a touch of a tremor in my voice. Wiped my hands on my slacks, knowing they were sweating. Double checked to see if they were shaking.

“Mister President–”

“Where? Is Dick here? Didn’t see him come in,” the man at the desk cut the aide off, looking wildly about the room. “Hee, hee, hee. That always cracks me up. “Hee, hee, hee. I know I’m the people’s choice. So, this here is John Q. Public, the average taxpayer, is it? Well come on in buddy, always happy to screw- er, I mean, meet the voting public. Right here. You can stand right here.” The President indicated by pointing to the spot, two feet to his right.

I did as instructed, with my hand extended and starting off with, “Mister President, I am here to ask some questions on vital issues.”

“Yes, always answer questions. Nice soft hands Q, you oughta do fine. Ya’ll don’t mind me calling you Q, do you? No need to be all formal and such. I like W myself, how many folks you know can be recognized by a single letter?”

“Of course Q is fine, sir. Judging by your accomplishments I think F would be more–”

“Whoa pardner, hold up there. This here is just a little get together, soiree type thing, and you done signed the loyalty paper.”

“Yes sir, just as you pledged to do things, but failed–”

“Hey, down on the ranch them could be fighting words. Q, you’re wearing your welcome out right quick.”

“Sorry sir. If you might clarify your recent attacks on environmental issues I will leave.” I handed him a paper with the major affronts listed.

He accepted my list, then sent it flying into the trash unread. “One man’s attack is another’s preemptive strike to save the environment from itself, for the future use of a free and democratic world. See, you gotta look at the bigger picture, son.”

“Independent reports show–”

“Well, there’s your problem, clear as a rock. Ya’ll can’t go by independent reports, they’re biased something fierce. Put out by the liberal media to undermine my plan to rid the world of these heathen godless terrorists. You see, around here we gotta department of something or other that sifts through and weeds them bad ones out. Got me special types with an inaptitude for interrupting intelligent reports, then getting what we need outta them. Hee, hee, hee. So if it don’t come from that there department, as they say on the ranch, it ain’t worth a bucket o’ steer waffles. Hee, hee, hee. You know what they are, right Q?”

“Yes sir, I can definitely agree with that. All of it. Your whole administration definitely serves up a lot of steer waffles.”

“Good to hear it, they work hard at their job. Certainly glad to clear it all up for you. Now, if’n you don’t mind, how about fondling my balls.”

Thinking this might be a bad joke I looked around the room to see if there might be a witness or two. No such luck. “Ah, what was that sir?”

“My balls Q, you’re here to fondle my balls. You want me getting in bed with your way of thinking, well I need proper incentive. Don’t make it a habit of crawling into the sack with every fat wallet that comes my way. Get to it boy, you can multi-task, can’t you?”

“Yes, I suppose so.” Fondling his nuts with one hand I dug out the remaining papers on the environment with the other. He tossed them in with the first unread, then I offered, “This brings up the issue on the sorry state of the economy. Reports show–”

“There you go again, economy swa-mony. Them reports are no better than environmental ones, biased by my opponents. Not worth reading, and I don’t. Cart them around with me while on vacation. Makes me look like I’m working. Plus, you can never have too much kindling. Paper burns nicely. Remember that, it might come in handy.”

“Ah, yes Mister President, and thank you for the advice. So, news agencies issuing the statement that hockey players were willing to take a twenty-five percent cut in pay, but owners refused were erroneous?”

“Not sure about that, but it’s wrong. Who cares? They’re all just a bunch of fairies, from that French la-la speaking country up north. No one even knows the President up there.”

“I think that is Prime Minister, Mister President. As for hockey players, not all are from Canada, and most do not speak French–”

“Don’t matter a twit. Bastards didn’t sign my resolutions, they’re all pansy-assed Frenchies. Besides, that’s all between players and owners. We don’t have this kind of problem with a decent American sport such as baseball. Those players are making record amounts, which shows you how well the economy is really doing.”

“So the union grocery workers of Southern California taking a twenty-five percent wage cut would also be a good indicator? Or those in Sacramento now having to pay for their own medical *********, with no raise in sight, is all right by you?”

“What do I care about California for? Twice they didn’t vote for me, it’s that poetry justice. We warned them there’d be trouble if they didn’t vote for us.”

“No sir, you warned them there might be trouble if you were not voted back in. Since you were, this sounds like retaliation, not poetic justice.”

“See there, you’re just twisting my words. Never got around to reading that last version of the loyalty form, but them others had no word twisting in them.” The President shifted a little requesting, “You mind giving the left one a bit more attention Q, it always gots an itch? Think it was all that piloting I done in the guard. Hee, hee, hee. Those suits ain’t that comfortable.”

“How about I get a comment on the pending flight attendant strike? Seems they do not want to take a third pay cut. Especially, seeing the management and pilot’s benefits are so high–”

“Well, that I know plenty about. See, like them suits, piloting is not all that easy. And managing stuff is kinda hard to look like you’re busy half the time. But hell’s bells, anyone can pass out peanuts. This is how it works, you get folks retiring earlier, allowing for others to get a job. You’re spurring on the economy, not deflating it. Besides, that’s not a National issue either.”

“All right, another pass. Gas prices have risen by roughly thirty percent, while profits for gas companies are at over forty percent–”

“There you go again with misleading numbers. Oil is being manipulated by insurgents in an area that has been miscalculated as a possible solution to America’s problems at keeping mobile. Which can easily be solved by further exploring our own vast natural reserves. We gotta show those terrorists we won’t be bullied. It’s life as usual, big as you please.”

“There is a constitutional provision outlawing war profiteering, which seems to be the case here. After all, any way you look at it, they have tacked on another third to the extra costs they have incurred.”

“War? Who said anything about a war? I don’t know nutin’ about no war.”

“Actually, you yourself coined the phrase of, ‘War President’ or at least embraced it whole-heartedly. There are plenty of video clips for proof.”

“You talking about those Saturday Night Live jokers, aren’t you Q? That’s all acting, and weren’t me in them pictures. First to admit, it’s sometimes funny, especially them ones that do Laura and Dick. But, that ain’t me, never said half that stuff. Let me assure you, there’s no war. We’re fighting terrorism, anyway we can, and the Constitution doesn’t apply. Did you read all of that loyalty paper they gave you, carefully? Where the hell did that aide go? You’re doing a fine job on my nuts, but are starting to annoy me some.”

“Fine, table that. Speaking of this particular act, how is it any different than what your predecessor did? Fact is, being a homosexual act, I would think you might find it more offensive. Going by your record, sir.”

“Homo, who? You mean, the cartoon guy on tv? Love that fella, watch him all the time. Hee, hee, hee. You got this all wrong boy. This here’s a demonstration on how a guberment body works. That fella before me was a degenerate, taking the U.S. of A into a downward spiral of moral degradative ways.”

“So, you do not have interns to do this for you?”

“And waste taxpayers’ hard earned dollars? Certainly not. Got plenty of taxpayers wanting to see big guberment at work. I’m a man of high moral stranding, not inturptitudism.”

“You certainly are that, Mister President. So, does this change your views on gay rights?”

“Why would it? I intend to uphold the rights our founding fathers intended for us. Hee, hee, hee. Even if they didn’t know them at the time. Someone has to lead the way out of this moral sewer that other guy put us in. We have to protect the rights of God fearing Americans.”

“By limiting those same rights? That is not sound reasoning, or even a correct assessment. Separation of church and state originally was to protect the churches. In it’s simplest form it was to keep the government from making one central religion. Now, you want prayer in school. But, will not consider there are people that do not pray to your specific god, or even pray–”

“All Americans pray, or oughta! That’s how we became the baddest in the land. God answered each and every one of those prayers, and he keeps on doing it.”

“Interesting. Even though there is no clear religion for the majority of the nation. Suppose, this too comes from your department of oblique answers?”

“See, you’re catching on. Not sure if it’s that one, but it’s one of ‘em. Like I said, always happy to answer questions, and teach the taxpayers about guberment.”

“Yes, well thank you, sir. Back to the churches. Many of them, like you, have learned to use the loopholes and now dictate government policy. This is wrong on every imaginable level you can think of. It defies every liberal definition of ‘democracy’ in the book. You lump gays in with terrorists, and those who disagree with you. It will not pass.”

“So, says you, Q. You ain’t even suppose to use ‘liberal’ and ‘democracy’ together. It’s one of those oxymaroons, or some such. People know, there are prices to pay for true freedom. And those of us with the democratic vision have to stand up for those blinded by the liberals. We’re clearly trying to save them from their own heathen, degenerative ways. Just the Christian thing to do.”

“Sir, you do know, most churches do not uphold civil unions, or divorces. Even if a crazy-assed amendment were to pass, in most sects it would be a moot point as to its value.”

“Don’t know about that, but I’m not going to argue that there. It’s gonna be done, and no one said nothing about sex. Just one thing to clarify, the sacred bond of marriage is between man and woman, which can’t be subverted, perverted, or inverted.”

“Sir, does this mean you will ban divorce?”

“No, that’s a court matter.”

“Mister President, it seems you wish to have your cake and eat it too.”

“Cake? There was cake here? Where? All I saw was those god damn bagels. I don’t trust nothing when I can’t tell if it’s fresh or not. Know what I mean Q? They’re always so damn hard, and I can never cut the thing. What the hell do people do that don’t have secret service agents to cut them? Where the hell’s my aide? Where’s my cake?”

“I did not see cake sir. It was an analogy. I just meant if marriage is so sacred, why divorce? If you have divorce, why get worked up over whatever couple decides to do what?”

“You just don’t get it, Q. Contrary to what ya’ll heard I’m a considerate fellow, and I’ll skip the cake, because o’ your allergy. Don’t need to be tempting you. Bottom line, marriage is good, but sometimes bad. Hee, hee, hee. Gotta get rid of them bad ones, so you can give it another shot atta good one. We gotta pick up our population growth, or won’t have the manpower to replace our servicemen. Least bit of weakness, and what do we got? Place will be swarming with Chinese, Koreans and probably those limp-wristed, French loving neighbors o’ ours.”

“Sir, I doubt the Canadians will attack us. Goes for the Chinese and Koreans as well. Even so, this still has nothing to do with which couples can legally marry.”

“Spouting more liberal nonsense Q. You oughta see the department reports. They’re all behind me two hundred percent. Right on down the line. Now, those are numbers you can trust. Hee, hee, hee. My legacy will be as a Commander in Chief who added several moral amendments to the Constitution.”

“I would think providing everyone with affordable medical coverage and medications, while shoring up the Education and Social Security systems might be a better legacy. Possibly striving to maintain a semblance of world order.”

“Are you crazy Q? Our federal guberment isn’t a nursemaid for the people, we’re here to protect the people. As I said, in some cases, they need protecting from themselves. Only way we get world order is to force everyone to live in a democratic country. It’s that simple. Now, I see you’re going to need a better lesson on how things work around here. Drop your pants, and bend over the desk.”

I took one more quick look, for cameras this time. “Ah, I don’t think so–”

“Suit yourself Q. Gotta tell you, everybody gets the same treatment from guberment. Hee, hee, hee. No one leaves without a taste. I’ll just call a pair of secret service in here. They can hold you down, while I give you a full lesson. Trust me, I’m top wrangler here, they do as I order. Cooperate, and I’ll only give you half. What do you say Q, time for a little civics lesson?”

I dropped my pants and leaned over his desk, staring at the seal of America. From this angle it seemed to be stained, or perhaps just blurred.

With him giggling that silly-assed little girl’s tittering of his he rammed me. “Hey, how about a little grease, Mister President?”

“Grease? I’m an oil man Q. And I’m about to lay some pipe up your pristine Alaskan wilderness. Hee, hee, hee. Besides, that’d cost money. That drives up expenditure, which has to be offset by raising prices, thereby increasing the rate of inflation. That’s the start of your economic lessons. Hee, hee, hee. In short, no grease. Yelling’s free, you can do all that you want. No one’s gonna hear you, just like no one listens to all that liberal crap.”

He rammed me again. “Got enough money to give me, guberment skips this here part, and let’s you reap the benefits we gotta offer.”

Giving me another thrust he added, “A little money or knowledge, you bring your own grease. A fact worth remembering on your next trip here.”

With a third hard push he says, “Hee, hee, hee. Obviously, you know what no money gets you.”

His balls were bouncing against me. “Hey, what about that half thing, you promised, Mister President?”

“Hee, hee, hee. Yes I did. And, it was a campaign promise. They don’t really count for much. Still, I’m a man of my word, and only gave you half. Hee, hee, hee, the back half.”

The End


06-30-2007, 04:52 AM
Very cute...thanks

06-30-2007, 05:06 AM
You're welcome- Took a listen to some Shinedown from your music list, adding it to my collection, Thanks

06-30-2007, 05:16 AM
My music list? what on myspace?

06-30-2007, 06:44 AM
No, on the music thread on the other site- How about the music you listen too, I think it is how i worded it-

06-30-2007, 06:48 AM
I like the way you think lefty.

06-30-2007, 07:33 AM
Hey bent, this one just wrote its self-
I was so pissed off because people were going he made the mess he should clean it up, and I'm like 'is that what you say to your fuckin' dog when it shits everywhere, and does he fuckin' do it?'
hell, if the milk goes bad you throw it out, you don't put it back in the refrig and check it again in the morning, then act surprised it's fuckin' bad-
I got a bush doll hanging from a rope in my hallway-
shit, all the rants I've done today I'll probably wind up in Gitmo for sure, and I'm an Atheist prick, not going to get along with those Muslim fucks either

06-30-2007, 05:57 PM
No, on the music thread on the other site- How about the music you listen too, I think it is how i worded it-

Oh I forgot about that...lol...cool...:)

07-03-2007, 07:38 PM
Damn, shoulda put this in the 4th contest, could've got arrested for sure

10-11-2007, 10:29 AM
give it a bump

10-12-2007, 05:24 PM
Nice job Wizard, very comical! Nothing like getting literally screwed by the president ;)

10-12-2007, 06:21 PM
Thank you taters-
I wrote this in '03- unfortunately for us it still fits
have fun

10-12-2007, 08:19 PM
Very true, definetely still fits!

10-12-2007, 08:51 PM
yeah, I got in a lot of trouble, people were outraged at me going to travel cross country to beat my ass for my insolence I was banned from a site for posting it, could only post it on a foreign site was told by two others they had reported me- now, it didn't raise even one negative reply- looks like i was right

10-12-2007, 09:10 PM
yes you were but at the time everyone was just pissed off about sept. 11 so they didnt mind going to war, not really thinking about the consequnces of war only they wanted revenge back then and supported him 100% now that they see the truth they all act like they never supported bush or liked him, kinda funny when you look at it like that.

10-12-2007, 09:34 PM
not really, history is always rewritten to suit the publics' need- war was fought in viet nam for one purpose (and they knew going in we could never win) to show china and russia we would die for a useless cause- the reason they kept that secret so well- no internet at the time- the reason it was stopped was the draft- people were pissed, they even quit the draft hoping it would stop the protests and get the war out of the news- it did not-
trust me if we had the draft in effect he might have still started the war, but his fucking head would be on a pike now, and his whole fucking cabinet in Leavenworth for the 1,142 and counting infractions they've committed since he was in office

10-13-2007, 01:50 AM
damn got the number of infractions and all I see someone is doing there homework,
I see what your saying, my only point I was making is that when the war started some 70% or so of americans agreed with the war unlike the 15% (give or take some) that agree now.

10-14-2007, 06:26 PM
Afghanistan fine- go in and get them (which they did not)
Iraq- no
if I were to go buy a car with fabricated evidence i'd be charged with fraud
he kills 3,000 with fabricated evidence oops!!

10-15-2007, 09:14 PM
could'nt agree more

10-15-2007, 10:45 PM
yep politics,
why steal small like bank robbers- become a politician and steal fucking big

10-16-2007, 12:21 AM
I agree again shit just for running for president you make millions and you dont even got to win

10-28-2007, 09:00 AM
last new york mayor paid 20 million of his own money to get elected.

10-29-2007, 07:39 PM
somtimes that happens, but look at Hillary Clinton so far this year she has got 80 mil to run and she has not spent all of it. If there smart they make money just to run but look at Barack Obama he has spent more than he has brought in.

11-03-2007, 07:57 AM
Clinton has raised over 200 million, Obama 218 i believe, even Edwards has over 100 million

03-16-2008, 05:18 AM
Im agree with your earlier statement about going to Afganistan = OK. Unilaterally going into Iraq = NO. They said they had to act because it served our national interests. With that warped reasoning any country is justified in invading another country if it is in their "national Interests". Sure Saddam was an a-hole but there are plenty of brutal dictarors in Africa and elsewhere, so why don't we go after them.

05-01-2008, 11:14 PM
first off let me say I support my president and his actions, but I do also agree that he made some bad decisions on shitty evidence but what do we do now? pack up and come home with Iraq still unprepared ? granted this war has taken far to long but until they can get off thier asses and get it together we'd be in just as bad shape if we leave them unprepared "again" personaly I agree with the war and hope every one of them terrorists burn in hell. any man that walks or supports one who walks on my soil and kills my fellow americans should pay. if given the unfortunate oppertunity I would fight to save any of you though I may not know you. Our president has made some realy bad calls latley and thats why we have term limits but if we drop our guard and our unity and our support for our leaders whom we elected then whats to stop any one from attacking again and again ? who will we turn to ? if america has spent billions sending troops and supplies to afganistan and the people are ok with it then while were there doesn't it make sense to move into Iraq next door and for lack of a better term "kill two birds with one stone" ? as far as Im concerned a veil was lifted in the middle east.

And it's obvious no matter what president we have, man, woman, black, white or whatever the goverment is going to lie to us, maybe for our own good or thiers but we need to trust our leaders in what ever decisions they make.

05-21-2008, 02:16 AM
great story,,any chance that you could do one for the 3 yahoo's who want to to be president..you know the commie ;gives;, the wife of monicas boyfriend ;rulez;and the veitnam hero..;om....;mgun ithink it would go over great:)