View Full Version : comedy half hour...

07-02-2007, 09:00 PM
People always ask me if I was happily married and hand on heart i always tell them I was happily married for ten whole years, shame i was wed for 19 though...

My ex wife drowned in a wishing well, I did not know they worked....

I took my ex wife on holiday with me because i have a soft spot for her, It was the only way to make sure she stood in the quick sand...

People ask if my ex was a good cook, well every time she made gravy the pygmy's came around to dip their darts...

When she made cottage pie the council came around and condemned it...

She became a clever cook though towards the end, she would go into a butchers and ask for a humped back rabbit, it was the only way to keep the pie crust up....

You should see her rhubbarb pie, you've never seen anything like it half an inch wide and two foot long.....

She once decided to make a hungarian goulash, Well I took a quick taste and gave mine to our dog, he tasted it and spent the next two hours licking his arse to get rid of the taste...

Our house was the only place you had to sign the poison register to eat...

She became a clever little soul my ex wife,, an expert on ancient greece, well she never cleaned the cooker...

She once said she would like to go somewhere different, I said well try the F*****g kitchen...

I used to go everywhere with my ex wife, I just could not stand the thought of having to kiss her goodbye...

She eventually ran off with the milkman... God how i miss him...

Someone asked if i ever talked to my wife during sex, I replied only if she phones...

Last time i made love to my wife, i commented on her just lying their and asked why she never moaned when we make love. she asked if i wanted her too and when i said yes she started....You going to paint this fucking ceiling or what...

I was once stopped for speeding, and the officer asked me why i was doing 120 mph, I explained my ex wife ran off with a traffic cop and when i saw your blue lights in my mirror i thought you were bringing her back...

I eventually managed to get my ex wife a new suitable job, but she would not take it as a crossing patrol officer at the indy 500...

thanks and its good night from her and its i'm off from him...

07-02-2007, 09:23 PM
Those are funny....thanks for sharing them...lol

07-02-2007, 09:52 PM
Do you think i could make it as stand up comedian....

07-02-2007, 09:53 PM
or should I not give up my day job..

07-02-2007, 10:06 PM
funny jokes,would not give up the day job thought ha ha

07-02-2007, 10:28 PM
Hi Gypsy, How do you mean you don't know what my day job is...

I spend all day putting the holes in do nuts and I don't use my finger....lol..

No i don't use that either....

Tut tut some people have really dirty minds, god bless em..

Her Gypsy... can you answer this one for me...

What goes in dry, comes out wet and satisfies two people....

I will leave you to ponder on it till morning as its nearly Midnight here in UK...

07-02-2007, 10:38 PM
Better put you out of your misery, because its not as most people automatically assume something sexual...

The clue should have been easy to spot because of where i am from...England..

It's a tea bag..... LOL

07-03-2007, 12:21 PM
sorry niteowl2003 I didn't get to back to you yesterday had to make dinner .
love the riddles thought.

07-03-2007, 01:36 PM
Hi Gypsy,

Well here is another for you then...

What is long and thin and covered in skin and is red along its length....

in case your wondering its Rhubarb....lol

07-03-2007, 02:03 PM
Hi niteowl2003 that a good one.

do you know the joke about the old English man selling smart pills on the side of the road . My fatherinlaw use to tell I can't remamber all of it I will look for your andwer later hope you a good day

07-03-2007, 02:44 PM
Don't know that one but here is one I do know.

Paul was walking through a market one day when he spies an old man standing beside a rackety table. Looking closer at the table he sees it only has 4 apples and a sign on it. Written on the sign is "APPLES $100". Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the old man why his apples are $100 each. "Well" says the old fella "these are special apples that I grow myself". "I don't see anything special about them" replies Paul. At this a sly grin appears on the old mans face and he whispers to Paul "They look like apples but when you eat them they taste of the sweetest pussy you have ever feasted on". Paul is about to laugh in the old mans face but sees something in his eyes that tells him he isn't joking, so he pays the $100 for an apple and leaves.

10 minutes later Paul comes storming back to the stall and he is livid. "You conning motherfucker this apple doesnt taste like pussy at all, in fact it tastes of SHIT".

The old man simply takes the apple from Paul looks at it and says "I see the problem, you ate the wrong side."

07-03-2007, 02:58 PM
hahahahhaha Funny....thanks

07-03-2007, 04:57 PM
Yes the old english guy is in Barnsley in England a whole coach load of Americans get off and watch as he sits rolling these little bits of brown stuff into little balls.

Waht you doin' an American asks.. Making learning pills replies the old english guy. "learning pills" repeats another American. "AYE, make ya reet cleva does these" replies the English guy..

"how much are they?" asks the First American. "15 each" says the old guy.

"And how many will i need to make me right clever?" asks the American.

"Thee about fifty!" replies the old guy. "geez at 15 each times fifty, well thats 750 or $1400" the american responds.

"Aye but it il' make the reet cleva" the old guy says.

So the American shells out 750 and the old an counts out 50 pills.

"what do i do wiyth em now then" asks the American.

"Stick em in yer gob and chew" says the old guys.

The American does and then spits them out saying "Fuck they taste like sheep shit"

"Aye see tha's learning" came the reply..

07-03-2007, 05:05 PM
hahaha thats very funny I liked that one.

07-03-2007, 05:08 PM

You can't argue with an idiot unless you want to make yourself a bigger idiot, trust me i know I was amrried to one for 19 years...lol

07-03-2007, 05:09 PM
Btw G00ber,

You know that Marriage is a three ring circus don't you...

1.. the Engagement ring

2.. the Wedding Ring

3.. The SUFFER ing


07-03-2007, 05:12 PM
Marriages were designed by women...

How do I know, let me explain.

In church where do people get married. AT the ALTER.. yes.

How do you get to the alter. Down the AISLE..right.

What is always sung in church... HYMNS correct.

So therefore the wedding ceremony had to be designed by a woman...


07-03-2007, 05:15 PM
If you look at wedding photo's only three people are genuinely smiling..


The Bride's Father cos he thinks cor there's one expense less..

The Bride's Mother cos she thinks great don't have to worry about her anymore!

The Bride cos she thinks Righti have got the little B*****D he has had it now..

07-03-2007, 05:16 PM
Why do Brides wear White at their wedding...

Well it's good for the dish washer to match the rest of the white goods...lol

And before any of you Femenists deside to seperate me from my crown jewels.. I am only joking...

07-03-2007, 07:08 PM
Thank you niteowluk2003 for the joke of the old english guy. Always love it when fatherinlaw would tell it .

07-03-2007, 11:26 PM
Why does a bride always come down the aisle with a huge grin on her face?

Because she knows she has given her last blowjob. :)

07-03-2007, 11:27 PM
Whats the penalty for bigamy?

2 mother-in-laws. :(