PDA

View Full Version : Joke



jaguar
07-10-2007, 08:54 AM
A female midget goes to doctor and complains of itching "down there". The doctor takes one look at her, picks her up, puts her on his desk, lifts her skirt, and puts his head under. Then she hears "snip, snip, snip, snip, snip." The doctor asks," is there anymore itching?" To which the female midget replies," No, What did you do?" To which the doctor replies," I trimmed off your ug-boot!"

Deputy Duffy
07-10-2007, 11:11 AM
lol...gutta love midget jokes.

niteowluk2003
07-10-2007, 02:59 PM
Did you hear about the 7' 9'' guy who went out with a midget 3' 10"....

Apparently he was nuts over her....Hehehe

niteowluk2003
07-10-2007, 03:19 PM
Two dyslexic people in a car, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell petrol?" the other turns round and replies, "Don't be daft I can't even smell my own name!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

or the dyslexic guy who came into the bar full of the joys of spring, turns to his mate and declares "I just joined a prostitutes club!"

"Prostitutes club, there is no such thing!" his mate replies.

"yes there is, here is my membership card" the first responds.

"You Prawn, that says parachute club"

"OH F*** I put myself down for 28 jumps!"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Or the dyslexic business man who thought he bought a warehouse and ended up with a whorehouse...

niteowluk2003
07-10-2007, 03:26 PM
Three guys are sat in a bar discussing who is the biggest liar in the world. The first guys says "I am the biggest liar in the world, I once was on London bridge and needed to pee so I unzipped my fly and lowered my member into the freezing water and peed"

Second on says "Rubbish, I am a bigger liar that you, I too needed to pee and did the same lowered my member into the thames and i'll tell you what not only was the water freezing but its deep too, besides see that niagra falls I swam up that"

The third guy then says "You two both talk rubbish, I am the biggest liar in the world because not only was i under the bridge holding your members, but i saw him swim up the Niagra falls!"

niteowluk2003
07-10-2007, 03:30 PM
Three old ladies sat on deck chairs discussing their respective husbands sexual performances in relation to motor cars.

First woman. "My old an would be like a Rolls Royce when it comes to sex, Sheer luxury all the way!"

Second woman, "Well my old man would be like a porsche 911, sheer speed and style to the end"

Third woman. "Well if i am honest, My old man would be like a 1910 Ford model T"

Both the other women. "Oh you me sturdy, reliable and goes on forever"

No the third woman says "You have to start it by hand!"

jaguar
07-11-2007, 08:26 AM
Why is eating pussy and driving thru thick fog the same? Because you can just see the asshole in front of you....

jaguar
07-11-2007, 08:35 AM
This may make you wince....
A pedophile is walking thru the park and comes upon a 6 year old child. He flops out his equipment, and the child asks" What is that?" To which he replies, "It's a bird in it's nest with it's eggs."Anyway, what with it being a nice summer's day and all, they talk and he eventually goes to sleep against a tree.
But when he wakes up, he is in shock. His groin area is a mess of burnt and destroyed flesh and smoking hair. He turns to the child and desperately asks, "What happened?" To which the child innocently replied, "Well, I went to pat the bird but he spat at me so I crushed his eggs and burnt his nest down!"

g00ber
07-11-2007, 12:43 PM
A guy is walking in the country and comes across a quaint looking pub, feeling a bit thirsty he decides to go for a pint and enters the door. He looks around the lounge and sees the usual mix of old people that usually frequent old style pubs but is suddenly surprised to see a horse sitting in the corner with a sad look on his face. Even more surprising is the huge pile of cash sitting on the table in front of the horse. The guy walks up to the bar and trying to put the horse out of his mind orders his drink. Curiousity gets the better of him though and he beckons the barman over and asks "What is with the horse and the cash?". "Well" replies the barman "That be Sourpuss, Farmer Giles' horse. It has never smiled and farmer Giles has had enough so anyone who thinks they can make him laugh puts 20 into the pile then they can have a go. If you are successful then the money is yours" The guy ponders this for a while then necks his pint and walks over to the horse. He throws 20 into the pile then proceeds to whisper something into the horses ear. Almost immediatly the horse bursts into laughter and gets worse everytime he looks at the stranger. Everyone is stunned by this but the guy simply picks up the pile of cash and calmly walks out of the pub.

A few months later the same guy is walking the same route and comes across the pub again. He remembers about winning all that money last time he was here and starts to feel thirsty again so in he goes. It is the same scene from last time with one obvious difference. Sitting in the corner is the same horse but this time he is still laughing uncontrolably and on seeing the stranger again gets even worse. The pile of money on the table is 4 times the size it was before. The guy goes up and orders and pint again and asks the barman about the horse again. "Farmer Giles got pissed off with Sourpuss, he laughs all the time and can't do any work" "really?"said the stranger. "Yes, so he put the horse back here and now the challenge is to make the damned horse stop laughing but its 50 now"replied the barman.

Once more the stranger necks his pint before walking over to the horse, he drops 50 into the pile then takes the horse into a back room. Everyone in the pub is puzzled at this but before they can investigate the guys comes out of the room followed by the horse who is now crying. The guy picks up the pile of cash and is about to walk out of the pub when the barman stops him and asks "HEY hold on, you can't just leave like that" " First off , how the hell did you make him laugh so bloody much the first time?". The stranger looks about and says " I told him I had a bigger dick than him." The barman sniggers and says "yea I guess that would do it, but what about the second time? How did you get him to stop laughing and start crying?" Again looking around, a small grin appears on the strangers face before he replies.....




"I simply showed him"

niteowluk2003
07-11-2007, 12:47 PM
Hilarious

niteowluk2003
07-11-2007, 12:55 PM
Have you heard about the horse that goes up to the England County Cricket Test board and asks to play for England at cricket. They laugh at him until he says he is deadly serious, he then pursuades them to give him a chance against the West Indies in the next Test.

Well the day finally arrives and he opens the batting for England along side Andrew Strauss, The Horse faces the first ball and its Wayne foster who bowls a 120 mph offbreak ball which the horse clobbers over the legside boundary for 6. Foster is seething so his next ball is a full toss at 130 mph and that gets lofted back over the bowlers head for yet another 6, same treatment for balls 3, 4, 5, and 6. England 36 for 0 after one over.

Andrew strauss faces his first ball and strokes out to silly mid off and sets off for a single only to see the horse sat in his crease. He tries to make it back to his own crease but gets run out for 0. As he walks past the horse on his way to the dressing room he says "Why didn't you run?"

"Cos if i could run I'd be at Ascot wouldn't I!" came the reply.

g00ber
07-11-2007, 12:55 PM
Don't know if this one has already been posted but here goes.

2 nuns are driving along a dark country road one night when suddenly a vampire jumps onto the front of their car. The older nun quickly says to her sister " Sister josephine, quick show him your cross, SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS"
At this the sister leans out of the drivers window and yells at the vampire


"GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR YOU FUCKING CUNT"

g00ber
07-11-2007, 01:00 PM
lol good one

A dog walks into the job centre one day and says to the boss "Hi im Rex I need a job" The boss is astounded to see a real live talking dog but replies "I'm not sure we have anything to suit you sir, have you tried the circus though" Rex just looks at him and says "What the fuck would the circus want with a plasterer?"

niteowluk2003
07-11-2007, 01:25 PM
Great one, the version i heard was a rabbit and a film producer making a remake of bright eyes, only the rabbit was an electrician.

niteowluk2003
07-11-2007, 01:27 PM
Hey G00ber,

Can you tell me how long is the hare on a rabbit....About thirty seconds normally....LMAO

g00ber
07-11-2007, 04:24 PM
rofl was that including the post shag fag

niteowluk2003
07-11-2007, 07:48 PM
Come on G00ber, you know its cruel for rabbits to smoke, that's why i never set light to them...

Besides they have to be careful of friction burns when they do fast enough to start smoking.

HEHEHE

g00ber
07-11-2007, 10:55 PM
nah you are better with sheep,all you need for a good fuck is a cliff a torch a pair of shearers and one wellington boot. the torch is to find your sheep date, the shearers are to cut away the clinkers around it ass, the welly boot is to keep it from kicking you and the cliff is for you to put the sheep right on the edge so it pushes back onto you :P

frozen_north
07-11-2007, 11:30 PM
god, you guys are killing me.

g00ber
07-11-2007, 11:44 PM
ah you cant kid us FN we know you are taking notes :)

niteowluk2003
07-12-2007, 02:14 AM
Yeah, but G00ber, I heard the sheep were becoming harder to surprise since they started recognising the sound of a zipper.

niteowluk2003
07-12-2007, 02:15 AM
What about the Aussie who was seen with the sheep under his arm, his mate says you shearing and he says No F*** off and find your own date...hehehe

g00ber
07-12-2007, 06:04 AM
Are you mad niteowl? Everyone knows you don't wear trousers when sheeping :p

jaguar
07-12-2007, 09:53 AM
What about the Aussie who was seen with the sheep under his arm, his mate says you shearing and he says No F*** off and find your own date...hehehe
Yeah, we all know it's the kiwis who do that shit. Like why do New Zealanders (kiwis for you uninitiated) take their sheep to cliff edges? So the sheep will push back harder.....

jaguar
07-12-2007, 12:04 PM
An Australian, Osama Bin Laden and an American engineer come upon a lamp, and upon rubbing it, a genie appears.
The genie says," I will give each of you 1 wish, therefore making 3 wishes in total."
The Aussie asks, " Can I have a million dollars with a pub that never runs out of alcohol?"
The Genie agrees and the Aussie is gone.
Next Osama Bin Laden asks,"I would like a wall built around Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan and Iran high enough to keep the Infidels out and that we may have a perfect Muslim State."
The Genie agrees and Bin Laden is gone.
The American engineer is curious and asks,"just how big is this wall?"
The Genie replies," It is 5000 feet high, 500 Feet thick and is indestructible. So what is your wish?"
The engineer replies," Fill it with water!."

g00ber
07-12-2007, 02:14 PM
A bus full of the ugliest people ever crashes and kills everyone on board. They all arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter says to them that they each get one wish before entering heaven. The first person doesn't hesitate when he asks to be made handsome. St peter grants his wish and "poof" he is instantly handsome. Upon seeing this the others all start wishing to be handsome and St Peter oblidges but soon notices the man at the back of the queue laughing more and more.

By the time it is the mans turn to wish he is almost doubled over with laughter and St Peter is losing patience so he asks "Why in heavens name are you laughing so much? Please just make your wish and enter" Finally the guy stops laughing long enough to say



"I WISH FOR YOU TO MAKE THEM ALL UGLY AGAIN:):):):):)"

g00ber
07-12-2007, 02:15 PM
Yeah, we all know it's the kiwis who do that shit. Like why do New Zealanders (kiwis for you uninitiated) take their sheep to cliff edges? So the sheep will push back harder.....

FUNNY I thought I had already said that one?rofl

niteowluk2003
07-12-2007, 05:59 PM
Heard about the two gay guys in the phone booth trying to ring each other..



Or the two Scottish gays, Ben Down and Phil McCavity....


Or the two Irish gays John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn...

jaguar
07-12-2007, 07:42 PM
FUNNY I thought I had already said that one?rofl

You did. Sorry.....