PDA

View Full Version : Street cred nursery rhymes.



niteowluk2003
10-05-2008, 01:56 PM
How about updating those old nursery rhymes we all had as children. Here is my slant on bringing a few up to the 2008’s.

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get the postman a letter,
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
So they had it without it was better…..

Little miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
It wasn’t the spider,
That sat down beside her,
But little boy blue with his horn.

The Grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
And if he’d had the energy,
He would have had em’ all again.

Mary had a little pig,
She could not stop it gruntin’
She took up the garden path
And kicked the little runt in!!!


If you have any similar updated nursery rhymes why not share with everyone her by posting below this thread.


;ass

nauticalsea
10-05-2008, 02:43 PM
Good Ones!

Old Mother Hubbard wnt to he cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over, Rover drove her
cause Rover had a bone of his own.


Little miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Easting her curds and whey
Along came a spider sat down beside her
and said "What's in the bowl bitch"?

niteowluk2003
10-05-2008, 02:49 PM
very good

Brigit Astar
10-05-2008, 05:32 PM
this is a Redd Foxx takeoff on "Little Boy Blue":

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn...
Why, you'd break your neck trying to blow your horn.

niteowluk2003
10-05-2008, 06:07 PM
Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden Grow,
With fertilizer you prawn.....

sheldon
10-08-2008, 09:59 PM
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over
the candle stick
and burned his balls.

Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating his sister Mary
stuck in his thumb
to pull out a plum
but all he got was her cherry.

Mary had a little lamb
it was quite tasty with mint.

Diddle, diddle dumpling,
My son John
runs thru the town
With nothing on...
What a perv.

niteowluk2003
10-08-2008, 10:19 PM
excellent

jaguar
10-10-2008, 07:56 AM
Mary, Mary, quite contrary......
trim that pussy, it's so damn hairy!

niteowluk2003
10-17-2008, 04:58 PM
here are a couple more to be going on with...

Wee Willie Winkie,
In his night gown,
He'd be arrested,
If he came to my town...



Mary had a little pig,
One day it dropped down dead,
now it goes with her to school,
between two slices of bread.

niteowluk2003
10-17-2008, 08:11 PM
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
Silly boy should have jumped higher
Goodness Gracious great balls of fire...

Humpty Dumpty
Sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty
Had a great fall,
Hey dude he was pushed,
but the yoke was on him...

Old Mother hubbard,
went to the cupboard
to get her poor doggie a bone,
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
So he gave her a bone of his own.

Hey diddle diddle
the cat on the fiddle
and the police just busted him...

jaguar
10-19-2008, 08:53 AM
Twinkle,twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Shining on the parking lot,
while I eat my girlfriende's twat....
( Andrew Dice Clay)

niteowluk2003
10-19-2008, 11:37 AM
Hey Diddle diddle my son John,
went to bed with his trousers on.
one shoe off and one shoe on.
That was some f*****G party John.

Nice on Jag if you have any more feel free to add them

jaguar
10-20-2008, 07:57 AM
Mary had a little sheep,
with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
and Mary HAD a little lamb!

jaguar
10-20-2008, 07:58 AM
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe,
she had so many kids, her uterus fell out!
(Andrew Dice Clay)

jaguar
11-01-2008, 12:26 AM
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
both with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with $ 2.50,
the fucking whore!

jaguar
11-05-2008, 07:43 AM
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Some chick was sucking my cock.
The clock struck two,
I dropped my goo, and I dumped the chick on the next block!

Most of my 'poems' come from the comic genius that was Andrew Dice Clay, a comic from the the late '80's and early '90's. So the credit must go to him.

niteowluk2003
11-06-2008, 07:59 AM
The Grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
And he made a fortune from blackmail
and his autobiographies...

jaguar
11-06-2008, 08:01 AM
Old Mother Hubbard,
went to her cupboard,
to get her old dog a bone.
She bent over,
Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own!

solie24
11-06-2008, 04:50 PM
lmao thats some great rhymes great job all

jaguar
11-07-2008, 03:04 AM
Old Jack Spratt could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean.
So Jack ignored her flabby tits,
and licked her asshole clean!

A.D.C.

Glad you like these, solie. Laughter is good for the soul, no matter how crude the source is lol!

And if emilyleanne has any queries about A.D.C., feel free to pm me.

emilyleanne
11-07-2008, 05:50 AM
rofl jaguar very good

jaguar
11-08-2008, 12:20 AM
thanks emilyleanne.
Here's another A.D.C. classic.

Little Bo Peep,
fucked a sheep,
blew a horse,
licked his feet.
She ate his ass
so very nice,
tongued his balls,
not once but TWICE!

emilyleanne
11-08-2008, 05:28 AM
lol very good

niteowluk2003
11-08-2008, 07:21 AM
Lots of laughter......... keep up the good work Jag...

jaguar
11-08-2008, 10:57 PM
Ok then, and thanks!

Mary, Mary,
quite contrary.
Trim that pussy,
it's so damn hairy!

emilyleanne
11-09-2008, 04:54 AM
lol thats good

jaguar
11-09-2008, 10:25 AM
yeah, sometimes the simple things in life ......lol

little boy blue (blew)
cos he needed the money.

Think about it, I did give a clue.

emilyleanne
11-09-2008, 10:41 AM
yer penny drop t took me a min lol

jaguar
11-10-2008, 03:05 AM
Glad to see you got it, emilyleanne.

Mary had a little sheep,
She kept in her backyard.
When she pulled her panties of,
his woolly dick got hard!

emilyleanne
11-10-2008, 06:10 AM
Old Jack Spratt could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean.
So Jack ignored her flabby tits,
and licked her asshole clean!

A.D.C.

Glad you like these, solie. Laughter is good for the soul, no matter how crude the source is lol!

And if emilyleanne has any queries about A.D.C., feel free to pm me.

sorry am a bit slow i had to ask what a.d.c was rofl

jaguar
11-10-2008, 06:23 AM
A.D.C. is Andrew Dice Clay.

Don't worry about it, mate!

jaguar
11-10-2008, 03:16 PM
here's another one.

3 blind mice,
see how they run.
Where the fuck are they going?

jaguar
11-10-2008, 03:25 PM
another A.D.C. classic.

Little Jack horner
sat in a corner,
eating a pizza pie.
He shit pepperoni,
blew his friend Tony
and wiped his face in his tie!

Brigit Astar
11-10-2008, 11:23 PM
what a mess

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 06:12 AM
ewwwww rofl

jaguar
11-11-2008, 08:24 AM
Yeah, I know. Slightly distasteful, to be sure.

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack burned off his fucken dick.

jaguar
11-11-2008, 08:28 AM
Rock a bye baby
on the tree top.
Your mother's a whore,
I ain't your pop!

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 08:50 AM
a bit painfull for jack rofl

jaguar
11-11-2008, 09:18 AM
Yeah, well, these things will happen if you jump candlesticks. lol

Eeny meeny miny mo.
Suck my dick and swallow slow.
OOOhhhhh!

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 09:19 AM
oooooooooo i say rofl

jaguar
11-11-2008, 09:25 AM
Here's yet another A.D.C.classic.

Paddy cake, paddy cake, baker's man.
If your chick's on her period,
fuck her in the can!

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 09:29 AM
i like this a.d.c. guy rofl

jaguar
11-11-2008, 09:37 AM
He had a few albums out in the late 80's & early 90's.

for more:

Georgie porgy pudding and pie,
jerked off in his girlfriend's eye.
When her eye was drying shut,
Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut.

OOOhhh!

(Typical Andrew Dice Clay ending, usually done with 1 arm pointed to the sky.)

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 09:44 AM
ohhh i say lol

jaguar
11-11-2008, 09:46 AM
I'm starting to run low though.....

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 09:50 AM
he he does that mean i got the last word rofl

jaguar
11-11-2008, 09:55 AM
NO!

Hey diddle didle the cat and the fiddle,
the cow jumped over the mon.
That's more than my lazy wife does,
that fat fucking smelly baboon!!

emilyleanne
11-11-2008, 09:58 AM
oo dear rofl

jaguar
11-11-2008, 09:59 AM
Just kidding. I'm not married. But that's all the A.D.C. I got for now.

jaguar
11-12-2008, 05:15 AM
Just remembered another one.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife and loved to beat her.
Slapped her twice across the head,
fucked her ass then went to bed!

emilyleanne
11-12-2008, 07:08 AM
norty peter

niteowluk2003
11-12-2008, 07:16 AM
I Guess you two really like this thread I started.....lmao

jaguar
11-12-2008, 07:21 AM
Oh hell yeah!

emilyleanne
11-12-2008, 07:50 AM
rofl

jaguar
11-12-2008, 07:56 AM
What do you expect? You allowed me to share some of the crudest nursery rhymes I have ever heard, with people who liked them. Of course I love this thread lol!

jaguar
11-12-2008, 07:56 AM
And I'm not the only one, eh E.l.?

emilyleanne
11-12-2008, 08:06 AM
no u not jaguar i love the rymes

jaguar
11-13-2008, 07:44 AM
Now we need to come up with some more. What about you, EL?

niteowluk2003
11-13-2008, 07:59 AM
I must be getting old i can't remember any other nursery Rhymes which we have not updated....lol

jaguar
11-14-2008, 07:27 AM
l.o.l lol.

jaguar
11-22-2008, 11:22 PM
Three blind mice,
see how they run.
Shame about the cat who round the corner comes......

Missmelz
11-22-2008, 11:30 PM
A.D.C was great back in the 80's.


Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore,
Humpty Dumpty fucked her some more,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Bent the bitch over and fucked her again.

jaguar
11-23-2008, 12:38 AM
Lol Missmelz.Glad I'm not the only A. D. C. fan on this site!

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded,
And everywhere she went,
Gynacologists surrounded.

Brigit Astar
11-23-2008, 09:24 PM
neato

jaguar
11-24-2008, 05:50 AM
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To get a roll of cheese
Jack came down with a smile on his face
And his trousers round his knees!

niteowluk2003
11-24-2008, 08:23 AM
I see your still finding thenm Jag, keep up the good work.

emilyleanne
11-24-2008, 08:41 AM
i see while i been away u still finding good ones jag lol

jaguar
11-24-2008, 05:39 PM
Thanks, niteowl and emilyleanne. I do my best to please!

Mary had a little car
and it was painted red.
Everywhere that Mary went
the cops picked up the dead.

Brigit Astar
11-24-2008, 05:43 PM
ooooh

jaguar
11-25-2008, 04:30 AM
I know. Moral of the story, don't mess with Mary!

I'm dooming myself now! Lol.....

Mary Mary, quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
"Pretty good since I buried my husband
there, in the daisy row!"

emilyleanne
11-25-2008, 05:47 AM
rofl i not got a daisy row ha ha

jaguar
11-25-2008, 06:24 AM
I certainly hope not! Lol.....

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun
Jack got mad,
kicked Jill in the ass
'Cause the bitch couldn't make him cum!

emilyleanne
11-25-2008, 06:27 AM
rofl poor jill

jaguar
11-25-2008, 06:31 AM
Song a song of siphilis,
A cunt full of crabs,
4 and 20 ulcers,
Covered in scabs,
When the scabs were opened,
The cunt began to sing,
Isn't this a dirty place to put your penis in?

emilyleanne
11-25-2008, 06:32 AM
ewwwwwwwww lol

Brigit Astar
11-25-2008, 12:57 PM
oooooh

jaguar
11-26-2008, 02:05 PM
Sorry, I just remembered that one from my high school years!

Jack be nimble.
Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick.

But Jack wasn't nimble.
And Jack wasn't quick.
So Jack went home with a char-broiled dick.

Brigit Astar
11-26-2008, 07:38 PM
hehehehe - something tells me there are a million of these

jaguar
11-27-2008, 05:24 AM
B.A., there are! And I'm only too happy to show them to our discerning Bluestories friends lol.

Anyway, you couldn't stop me anyway. I love these too much. And here's another:

Long and thin goes too far in and does'nt please the ladies
Short and thick does the trick and brings out proper babies!

emilyleanne
11-27-2008, 06:38 AM
rofl good 1

Brigit Astar
11-27-2008, 01:21 PM
keep it coming (so to speak)

jaguar
11-27-2008, 05:30 PM
Here's a longer version of 'Jack and Jill'.

Jill took Jack up on the hill
it was their first date together.
She gave Jack a smack 'cross tha back of his ass
with a paddle of studded black leather.

She said "Get on your knees and you'll learn how to please
a woman who knows what she wants.
But listen closely and do what I say
or you'll be the one in hot pants".

She grabbed his hair, turned him around and
pushed is face down in some clover
She said "Listen punk I don't wanna hear shit
but you barking like your name is rover".

She turned him upside, sideaways backwards and front
and every which way but loose
then rode him like a reverse cowgirl
with his prick cinched up in a noose.

When she was done and she'd had all her fun
she gave his ass another smack.
ans said "Tell everybody I own that dick
and bring your sister when you come back".

Jack showed his pa the lump on his head
and the bruise under one of his eyes
Papa said "Fella, I gots nuttin to tellya
'cause looks like you been told at least twice"

jaguar
11-29-2008, 04:37 AM
You're welcome, B.A.

Here's another:

Jack & Jill went up the hill
to smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high, pulled down his fly,
and Jill said, "Where's the beef?"

emilyleanne
11-29-2008, 04:53 AM
i like the longer version of 'Jack and Jill'

jaguar
11-29-2008, 08:03 PM
So do I, emilyleanne!

Roll roll roll the joint
pass it down the line
take a toke and hold the smoke
blow your f****n mind!

jaguar
11-29-2008, 08:04 PM
Little Miss Muffett
sat on a tuffett
covered in gasoline
along came a spider
with a butane lighter
and blew her to smithereens!

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 06:17 AM
teehee poor miss muffett

jaguar
11-30-2008, 06:51 AM
Row, row, row your boat.
Gently down the stream.
Through your teacher overboard
listen to her scream.
Five days later she's floating down by Delaware
chewing on her underware
wishing she had another pair.

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 06:55 AM
no good to me i cant swim opps

jaguar
11-30-2008, 06:59 AM
Haha.

Joy to the world
My teacher's dead
I cut off her head
What happened to her body
I flushed it down the potty
And round and round it went
And round and round it went
And round and round it went

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 07:12 AM
i take it u dont like teachers lol

jaguar
11-30-2008, 08:15 AM
Not when I was a kid I didn't, did you? lol

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread

Brigit Astar
11-30-2008, 01:53 PM
these are great

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 03:25 PM
[QUOTE=jaguar;61243]Not when I was a kid I didn't, did you? lol

no i did not like em thats y i never went lol

niteowluk2003
11-30-2008, 08:38 PM
I used to like teachers, but could never eat a full one.....

and I used to go to school regularly, every time they caught me I went.

Although my school was approved, the judge told me.

jaguar
12-01-2008, 06:24 AM
Hahahaha! Good one niteowl.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

emilyleanne
12-01-2008, 06:39 AM
rofl niteowl
that 1 ok jag lol

Brigit Astar
12-01-2008, 01:31 PM
yep - there'something about Georgie

jaguar
12-01-2008, 05:38 PM
On top of the school yard,
All covered with blood
I shot my poor teacher
With a .44 slug.
I shot her with pleasure,
I shot her with pride;
I couldn’t have missed her,
She was 20 foot wide.
I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
Some people threw flowers
I threw a grenade
Two weeks later
She came back from the dead
So I took a bazooka
And shot off her head!

I know, more anti-teacher sentiment! lol

jaguar
12-02-2008, 05:44 AM
Mary was a nasty bitch.
And here's proof!

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

emilyleanne
12-02-2008, 06:13 AM
rofl you right mary wasa bitch

jaguar
12-02-2008, 06:39 AM
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

emilyleanne
12-02-2008, 06:42 AM
lol cat and dogs are like peep some get on some dont

jaguar
12-02-2008, 06:47 AM
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

jaguar
12-02-2008, 04:40 PM
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

jaguar
12-07-2008, 07:46 AM
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

dirtyolman
12-07-2008, 03:58 PM
Mary hsd a little sheep
To bed with her, she took to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a Ram
Now Mary has a little lamb

Jack & Jill went up the hill
They both had a buck & a quater
Jill came down with two fifty
Jack came down with a boner

jaguar
12-07-2008, 05:18 PM
Very good, dirtyolman.

Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore,
Humpty Dumpty fucked her some more,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Bent the bitch over and fucked her again.

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 06:52 AM
dirtyolman and jag both good ty

jaguar
12-08-2008, 06:58 AM
Nah, I am still the gratest! Lol

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city!

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 07:00 AM
rofl watch out u head wont fit thro the door very good

jaguar
12-08-2008, 07:06 AM
Sorry about my head size lol!

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his front teeth are missing!

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 07:07 AM
lol good

jaguar
12-08-2008, 07:10 AM
More Jack and Jill.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
cos Jill's a ****** tranny!

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 07:12 AM
rofl where the hell do u get them from

jaguar
12-08-2008, 07:18 AM
If I tell you, then I will have to.......lol.

Something different.

Mary 'ad a little pig
She couldn't stop it gruntin'
She took it down the garden path
And kicked its fucking c**t in!!!!!

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 07:29 AM
lol i like bacon butty plz

jaguar
12-08-2008, 05:35 PM
My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only 4 ft 4!

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 05:39 PM
very good lol

jaguar
12-08-2008, 05:44 PM
I aim to please!

Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard!

emilyleanne
12-08-2008, 05:51 PM
pmsl ty

jaguar
12-08-2008, 05:55 PM
Your welcome!

1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall...
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall!

daddy spanks
12-08-2008, 06:21 PM
mary had a little lamb, she took the lamb to bed, the lamb turned out to be a ram, mary had a little lamb

jaguar
12-09-2008, 09:30 AM
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As he came, she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep!

emilyleanne
12-09-2008, 09:55 AM
ewwwwwwwww

jaguar
12-10-2008, 05:40 PM
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

emilyleanne
12-11-2008, 05:58 AM
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car

jaguar
12-11-2008, 04:44 PM
Alright!

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her ......
(but she didn't wear that one very often)

jaguar
12-15-2008, 05:43 PM
A Guy's Job




A guy sticks his location,
In a girl's destination,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 06:49 AM
demonstration plz haha

jaguar
12-16-2008, 07:07 AM
Maybe later lol!

Joke, mate.

Anyway, bust a gut to this!

A bit of Aussie flavour......

BACKFIRE




It happened twenty years ago while travelling interstate
Looking for a shearing job - the night was getting late.
It was me and John Johansen that was driving through the fog,
We was lost and getting nowhere, then, we bottomed in a bog.

"We'd better leg it mate," says John, "I think it's gunna rain,
I'm sure I saw a letterbox a mile back up the lane."
We walked and found the letterbox and through the gloom we saw
A light inside a farmhouse so we fronted at the door.

Our knock was quickly answered by a lady with a lamp,
"Whatcha want?" she muttered, so I said. "A place to camp.
We're cold and wet and hungry missus, could you see us right?
We only want a nice dry bed to sleep in for the night."

"You can't sleep here! I'm on me own! I got no extra beds!
There's straw and lucerne hay inside the feedroom by the sheds.
Make yerselves a bed in there and take this as a warning,
Don't hang around termorrer, youse leave early in the morning!"

The straw was soft, the hay was warm, John snuffed out like a light
And I'll admit I had a very pleasant time that night.
At six a.m. the old girl's voice came rattling through the shed.
"There's eggs and bacon at the house and tea and toast," she said.

We had a bonzer brekky and we couldn't eat no more,
The old duck's attitude to us had softened, that's for sure.
She went and got her tractor and a length of bullock chain
And pulled us from the bog and got us on our way again.

Well, twelve months later, Johnny phoned. " I want to talk to you!
Remember that old farmer girl?" "Yes John," I said, "I do."
"That night when I was sleepin', did you sneak out of the shed
And go and wake our hostess up and climb into her bed?"

"Well Johnny, cobber, yes, I did," I answered, filled with shame.
"And furthermore, you cunnin' rat, you gave my bloody name!"
"Well, yes, I sorta might've done, but you're a decent bloke,
Now you've found my secret John, I hope you'll get the joke."

"Yeah! Very flamin' funny! But - I s'pose ya' gotta laugh,
A joke like that is pretty good, too clever mate, by half.
But - I don't mind," said Johnny, " Cos I'm rather glad you see.
The old girl died three months ago and left her farm to me!"

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 07:15 AM
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you wally !!!1

jaguar
12-16-2008, 07:21 AM
Well, duh! Good one, mate.

But the King, has a comeback!

(Am joking,o.k.)

Big Bad Barbie

I've been considering what life's like for Barbie,
The bitch has everything she doesn't need,
A genuine living doll ... with baggage,
Prostituted for K-TEL's greed.
To represent less than five percent of womankind,
Yet still be a role model for the young,
Have a twelve-inch waist, forty two-inch bust,
Be spoilt, indulged and highly strung.

I'd be wanton to be like Barbie,
The pin-up of playful men,
Action figures vying for my affection,
And (after considerable effort) winning it ... now and then,
My company always sought after,
For camping, boating or horse rides,
The recipient of continual expensive gifts,
To ensure my presence at their sides.

I want to be like Barbie,
Accessorised to the hilt,
Handbags ... jewellery... shoes ... makeup ... clothes,
All provided free of guilt,
I want to be more flexible,
A Barbie with bendy elbows and knees,
Because mine are beginning to stiffen with age,
I'm becoming more robotic by increasing degrees.

I want to be a life-size Barbie,
But I've probably left my run too late,
By the time that I've finished with cosmetic surgery,
I will have passed my "use-by" date,
I could have all of the cellulite sucked out of my thighs,
And recycled onto my chest instead,
Lengthen my legs by eight inches,
But what would I do about my bloody head?

Although ... if I really was like Barbie,
I'd never enjoy another hearty meal,
Forfeit pleasures of the flesh,
Maybe I'd forget how wonderful good sex can feel.
I wouldn't have any nipples,
To tease, lick or suck,
I'd have a smooth crotch ... closed smiling mouth,
No luscious warm wet openings to ... fill (hmmm).

And if I truly was like Barbie,
Would you ever hear a word that I'd say?
Overwhelmed by my eye pleasing packaging,
Not renowned as an audio-visual display.
If I talked ... would you listen,
Value my opinions ... cling to my words?
A combination of intellect and beauty,
A disturbing Reality ... Don't be absurd!

Copyright; Robyn Scott.
Not mine!

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 07:25 AM
rofl ok king thats a good 1

niteowluk2003
12-16-2008, 07:28 AM
Talking of Barbie dolls,

They have released a new one this year.

THE DIVORCED BARBIE.... its expensive at 20.000 dollars but it does come with half of Ken's house, half his car and money....lol.

jaguar
12-16-2008, 07:29 AM
Thanks, but there's more!

Breathless




I'm not too fit, I'll have you know
I'm overweight and rather slow
But when I run, I manage; though
I'm breathless!

Though in the past it was not thus,
I am not one to swear and cuss,
Except that, trying to catch a bus,
I'm breathless!

When as a youth, I used to play
With sweet young ladies in the hay
The girls would be the ones to say:
"I'm breathless"!

At sport I'd always stay the course
I was as strong as any horse
But now, with just a little force,
I'm breathless!

I guess my life has reached the stage
When these things happen at my age.
If all my passions I assuage,
I'm breathless!

I have my annual body checks
And find out if I need new specs.
But sadly, when I'm having sex,
I'm breathless!

No longer, now, do I aspire
To climb a mountain, walk on fire;
Instead I curb each wild desire -
I'm breathless!


Copyright; MasterRevelation

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 07:35 AM
Talking of Barbie dolls,

They have released a new one this year.

THE DIVORCED BARBIE.... its expensive at 20.000 dollars but it does come with half of Ken's house, half his car and money....lol.

rofl love it

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 07:38 AM
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said 'F*ck him, He's only an egg.

jaguar
12-16-2008, 03:39 PM
Facts of Life

The father smiled to see his child
Come running to his side.
"Please tell me, Daddy, what is meant
By that word 'sex'", she cried.

He looked aghast at this sweet girl -
She was but eight years old;
Too young, he thought and innocent
To break this childhood mould.

She should be playing with her dolls
Or other toys she had
Instead of asking questions such
As this one of her Dad.

With openness and honesty
An inborn family trait,
This Dad explained the facts of life
Quite candidly and straight.

His discourse finished, thankfully,
He kissed her on the cheek;
No word she'd uttered all the while,
But now began to speak:

"I didn't think my question was
A matter so complex,
For Mum just said to tell you lunch
Is ready in two secs."

niteowluk2003
12-16-2008, 09:51 PM
When asked to include the word pistol into a poem, Jim from little Johnny's class put forward the following effort.

My daddy is a soldier,
He wears a suit of blue,
He carries a bright sword,
And a pistol two!

However not to be out done, little Johnny offered the following!

My dad is unemployed,
his giro is now due,
And if it gets here soon
He will be on the piss till two.

jaguar
12-17-2008, 04:48 AM
What a pearler!

SEX is a TRANSACTION,
With emotional currency,
You're either lucky or an arsehole,
If you're getting it for free,
Some are prepared to barter flesh,
For company or affection,
A house, a car, a family,
Money or protection,
When morality is attached to
Guilt can reduce the pleasure,
Whereby with uninhibited
Comes ecstasy without measure.

There are those whom believe that, SEX is just for procreation,
While there are others for whom it is, Their favourite recreation,
There are people who only have,
SEX over the phone,
And others who are happy,
To do it on their own,
There are some who really get off,
On lingerie and leather,
And those who simply prefer,
To masturbate together.


Copyright; Robyn Scott

emilyleanne
12-17-2008, 06:39 AM
Georgie Porgy
Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

jaguar
12-17-2008, 05:49 PM
An itch to be scratched -
A lust unmatched -
An empty bed -
"Let's go!" she said.
And on the summer's afternoon
we loved until we saw the moon.

Exhausted, laying there exposed
upon my belly, I proposed
she scratch my back to top it off -
and soon she did, so soft, so soft.

Nails as sharp as 'Wiltshires' creep
like slugs upon a compost heap
across my sweaty skin until
I feel an itch she can't quite kill.

"Just up a bit." She hears me say.
"Down a bit...the other way.
Up a tad. You've gone askew.
Slide across a touch or two.
A little harder. Damn it! Swat it!
Keep going, yes, you've almost got it.
Listen woman, can't you tell.
You're nowhere near it. Bloody Hell!”

I fling my body in the air
and land atop the carpet bare
Grinding hard upon my back
searching for a pointy tac
to give me what I really need -
a decent scratch that makes me bleed

Bewildered, she is staring down,
as losing it, I go to town.
Raising up my back, I arch it,
slamming hard down on the carpet.

My body parts are flicking, hectic,
like I'm turning epileptic.
A book! A knife! A nice high heel!
Give me something I can feel

But suddenly, like when it reared,
my itch just vanished...disappeared.

I rose, so pleased, my love to tell
and found that she was gone as well.

The door was slammed, the lock was latched.
Our race was run...and I was scratched!

Copyright; Marco Gliori

jaguar
12-18-2008, 05:23 PM
She wanted embroidered on pants and her bra
a message that told him that he'd gone too far.
A motif that told him "If you can read this,
You're much too close, so give it a miss."

"Certainly Madam," the saleslady said.
"In what kind of script would you like it read?
Copperplate? San Serif? Bold wouldn't fail."
She thought for a moment and then she said… "Braille."