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Deputy Duffy
10-10-2008, 10:12 PM
Hope these are new to yah.


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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

-----------------------------------------

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.

- You know, my son, I didnít care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it. After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:

- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?

- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

-----------------------------------------------

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and lets have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".


------------------------------------------

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says...

-----------------------------

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

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If I find more I'll pass them along.

jaguar
10-19-2008, 09:07 AM
Waahhaahaahaaahaaa! That's scary but......( Excuse the pun! )

jaguar
10-19-2008, 09:07 AM
It's been a while,DD. Where you been?

niteowluk2003
10-19-2008, 11:31 AM
Its like the old boy, who goes to his doctor's and says, "doctor I need some advise? I am getting married next week!"
The doctor says, "Oh right and how old are you?"
The man replies, "96 years old and the soon to be wife is 18!"
"You know that could prove fatal!" says the doctor.
The old man replies, "Well if she dies she dies!"

Two men talking in a pub. one says to the other guy, "So you were married weren't you?"
Second man, "Yeah I was but my wife drowned in a wishing well!"
First man, "Oh Dear, how did that happen?"
Second man, "I don't know I never knew they worked!"

jaguar
10-21-2008, 08:10 AM
Two Greeks in a bar.
One says to the other, " Have you tried it in the other hole?"
The other one says, "And what, get her pregnant?"

niteowluk2003
10-21-2008, 08:28 AM
A Married man of 30, decides he wants to get rid of his wife, but can't afford a divorce! so he comes up with the perfect murder, he will fuck her to death. He figures in six weeks she will be dead.

Every morning before they get up he screws her, after breakfast its over the kitchen table he screws her, mid morning its over the back of the sofa, before lunch its in the bathroom, after lunch it in the back garden, before dinner it's on the stairs he screws her, after dinner its in front of the fire he screws her, before retiring to bed he screws her and before going to sleep he screws her.

Three weeks later there he is white haired, unable to get out of his wheel chair as he watches her sprinting all over the tennis court smashing rally after rally against her younger opponent and he thinks to himself, "look at the silly bitch, she don't realise she has only three weeks to live!!!!!"

jaguar
10-21-2008, 08:29 AM
Hahahaha! Bring 'em on, niteowl!

niteowluk2003
10-21-2008, 02:51 PM
A young woman aged 18 goes to her doctor's and says she is getting engaged soon, so she would like some advice about sexual matters.

The doctor says where would you like to start.

She says a couple of times when she has been out with her boyfriend he has disappeared intot he bushes for a pee, and although she should not have she has peeped.
What is the big shiny red thing on the end called, she asks.

The doctor says, that my dear girl is called a helmet, or its proper medical term is a knob and its there to stop his hand flying off the end.

Well what are those two round things about eighteen inches behind the knob, she asks.

How far says the doctor.

Oh a good eighteen inches, replies the girl.

Well for yoursake girl, lets hope they are the cheeks of his arse, says the doctor.

__________________________________________________ _______________________

Or you have the census taker doing a survey on what type of pads women use,

He goes to the first house and knocks on the door. the woman answers and he explains he is carrying out a survey and could he ask what type of pads she used. The woman a little embarrassed answered Tampax and slammed the door. he walks away writing down. tampax.

The man then goes to the second house again a woman answers and he asks what type of pads she uses and is told she uses Li lets, so he walks away writing down li lets.

At the third house he comes across an irish woman; and asks her what type of pads she uses, she says brillo (A type of wire wool pad with soap powder added) and closes the door so he walks away writing Bright cunt....

Brigit Astar
10-21-2008, 06:31 PM
hehehe funny

jaguar
10-22-2008, 06:16 AM
Keep 'em coming, Nite owl!

niteowluk2003
10-22-2008, 10:42 AM
A couple of jokes for you.

Joke 1.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, got 5... 3 males and 2 Females," he replied.

intrigued, she asked. "How could you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Joke 2.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Joke 3.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope."

"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Joke 4

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."


Joke 5

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

Joke 6


A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
( hahaha! )

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered. He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear. "I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand.

She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

"Clean... my... house."

Brigit Astar
10-22-2008, 01:00 PM
hehehe yes

sexy83
10-22-2008, 09:25 PM
thank you for those

solie24
10-23-2008, 04:06 AM
love them laughing my ass off

jaguar
10-27-2008, 11:53 PM
Hilarious!

emilyleanne
12-11-2008, 06:35 AM
IDEAL MAN A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

jaguar
12-11-2008, 04:35 PM
Hahaha! Good one El.

emilyleanne
12-11-2008, 04:38 PM
ty thought i pick up the guts to do some

jaguar
12-11-2008, 04:40 PM
Don't stop now then! Keep going. I need the competition lol.

emilyleanne
12-11-2008, 04:46 PM
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

jaguar
12-11-2008, 05:07 PM
Hahahaha! Very good.

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

emilyleanne
12-12-2008, 06:25 AM
rofl good 1


One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins

jaguar
12-12-2008, 08:20 AM
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in and comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guy goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The chinese guy goes in and after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

emilyleanne
12-12-2008, 08:38 AM
lol a bit of hot suff

jaguar
12-12-2008, 09:10 AM
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

jaguar
12-14-2008, 12:33 AM
A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.

The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.

They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.

The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."

Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."

Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"

Missmelz
12-14-2008, 12:58 AM
A professer gave his class an assignment, and the only reason for not finishing it would be if you were sick or a close relative died.

So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"

The whole class burst out laughing.

After the laughter died down the professer replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"

jaguar
12-14-2008, 06:49 AM
Bloody good one!

This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.

"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"

She didn't answer.

"Well, my name is Barry"

"Okay" she said "Barry what?"

"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"

So he wrote it down.

She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."

She slapped him and stormed off.

Missmelz
12-14-2008, 06:56 AM
The Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

jaguar
12-14-2008, 07:06 AM
Hahahahahaha!


Bad Example
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Missmelz
12-14-2008, 08:51 AM
hehehe :)

X-Rated Movie

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi:"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

jaguar
12-14-2008, 09:20 AM
LOL! Major good chuckles!

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son,how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY!"

Missmelz
12-15-2008, 06:05 AM
hehe :)

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house.

Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".
Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up.

Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!".
Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked!

Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers".

So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice.

All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!".

Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

jaguar
12-15-2008, 06:55 AM
Lol! Ouch!

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff!
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, you're on the rag.

Missmelz
12-15-2008, 07:24 AM
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

jaguar
12-15-2008, 05:30 PM
rofl

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 06:55 AM
took a min to think i got there in the end rofl good 1

jaguar
12-16-2008, 07:11 AM
Thanks. Subtle to the end, eh?

The Pickle Man
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

"You didn't!" she hoped.

He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

"No no really," answers the man.

Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 07:24 AM
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

jaguar
12-16-2008, 07:27 AM
A bit harsh! lol.....

Psychiatrist Observations
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"

Think about it...........

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 07:33 AM
rofl i did i got it 1st time getting g good

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

Missmelz
12-16-2008, 01:15 PM
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

emilyleanne
12-16-2008, 03:01 PM
rofl good 1 mel

jaguar
12-16-2008, 03:56 PM
An oldie but a goodie, Mel.

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

Missmelz
12-17-2008, 06:56 AM
Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."

Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

emilyleanne
12-17-2008, 07:03 AM
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

Missmelz
12-17-2008, 08:27 AM
Teacher asks girl, "What comes after 69?"

Girl replies, "You rinse out your mouth and wash off your face!"

emilyleanne
12-17-2008, 09:46 AM
rofl mel thats great x

jaguar
12-17-2008, 05:39 PM
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Missmelz
12-17-2008, 06:42 PM
hehehe :)

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

jaguar
12-18-2008, 05:13 AM
Roflmao!:)

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me!"

Missmelz
12-18-2008, 05:36 AM
Simple Mathematics

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you
will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year old secretary. I`ll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year
old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will
appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore don`t wait up.
Your Wife

jaguar
12-18-2008, 06:56 AM
Roflmao! Have seen this one bewore, just not on this site!

Dirty Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Missmelz
12-18-2008, 10:48 AM
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

jaguar
12-18-2008, 05:18 PM
Nice one!

It was the first day of a new school year.

Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat."

She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied.

Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer.

As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in.

"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You were on Blueberry Hill also."

"NO.... I am Blueberry Hill!" replied the girl.

Missmelz
12-18-2008, 06:29 PM
hehe :)

SAVING IT FOR MARRIAGE




A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"

jaguar
12-19-2008, 05:13 AM
Lol!

Poor guy!

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

creamiepie
12-22-2008, 02:01 AM
why do men get their best ideas during sex ??
because they are plugged into a genius
=p

solie24
12-22-2008, 04:00 AM
hey great jokes loveeeeeeee them

jaguar
12-22-2008, 06:18 AM
You're welcome, solie24 and creamiepie.

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

Brigit Astar
12-22-2008, 04:14 PM
finger lickin good

jaguar
12-22-2008, 05:01 PM
Oh, yeah! lol

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

Brigit Astar
12-22-2008, 11:33 PM
ohh god

jaguar
12-22-2008, 11:48 PM
Gotta love the logic, though!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken!

jaguar
12-25-2008, 09:45 PM
New Position

Husband : Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife : Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

Brigit Astar
12-25-2008, 10:36 PM
hehehehehe yea--stark reality indeed

jaguar
12-26-2008, 07:25 PM
Very much so.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
" Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment..."

Brigit Astar
12-26-2008, 09:43 PM
ahh...I had heard that one before

jaguar
01-07-2009, 01:53 AM
Tell me if you have heard this one..........
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.

The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, " Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, " What's the 6-pack for? "

The father replies, " Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, " Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

Missmelz
01-07-2009, 05:43 AM
An Excellent Costume Party Idea

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

jaguar
01-07-2009, 08:41 AM
Yeah, an oldie but still a goodie.

Sucking your thumb

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs. The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek. " Well, " said the older boy, " Remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb ! "

Brigit Astar
01-07-2009, 03:57 PM
hehehehe--funnnny

jaguar
01-07-2009, 09:24 PM
Thought you'd like that one.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

Brigit Astar
01-07-2009, 10:03 PM
lol hehehehehehehe

jaguar
01-08-2009, 12:00 AM
I thought it was a bit sick, but still funny!

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, " Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

Deputy Duffy
07-03-2009, 06:11 PM
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of KY jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the finger Doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse... "Darn it ELAINE!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

jaguar
07-03-2009, 11:03 PM
Hahahaha!
These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe horny sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

Deputy Duffy
07-04-2009, 02:11 AM
Why is the penis unhappy?

Because he hangs out with a couple of nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him every day.

jaguar
07-04-2009, 07:51 AM
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

mrs babyisblue
07-22-2009, 05:51 AM
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied,"Oh, it's easy, dear.

I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

jaguar
07-22-2009, 09:37 AM
Lol! Hahaha go grandma!

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Deputy Duffy
02-03-2010, 09:51 PM
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around by the lake. A gorgeous petite blond walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

http://img4.glowfoto.com/images/2010/02/03-1551082547T.jpg (http://www.glowfoto.com/viewimage.php?img=03-155108L&y=2010&m=02&t=jpg&rand=2547&srv=img4)


The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.



Bob is smiling ear to ear as he continues exploring the facilities.

He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.

Within a few seconds a huge, horribly fat, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

http://img6.glowfoto.com/images/2010/02/03-1450584326T.jpg (http://www.glowfoto.com/viewimage.php?img=03-145058L&y=2010&m=02&t=jpg&rand=4326&srv=img6)

The huge man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The huge man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.


Bob rushes back to the colony office.

He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."


"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart, like, 15 times a day!"

Deputy Duffy
02-03-2010, 09:57 PM
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
__________________

Deputy Duffy
02-03-2010, 09:58 PM
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these
meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim
figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

Brigit Astar
02-04-2010, 03:35 PM
Funny ones, deputy, thank you. Chuckles are best in the morning.

Deputy Duffy
02-11-2010, 10:31 PM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Deputy Duffy
02-11-2010, 10:41 PM
This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
so he went to the doctor for advice.

The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his
finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell
would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.
That night, he decided to make his move.

He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect.

He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed
them all around under his nose.

Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
"Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!"

She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?"

She looked at him and said,

"Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"

Brigit Astar
02-11-2010, 11:23 PM
I've heard those before, but they are still funny

Deputy Duffy
03-25-2010, 12:04 AM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

crzy67
03-25-2010, 01:29 AM
Thanks for the funny.

Brigit Astar
03-25-2010, 02:57 AM
serves him right

niteowluk2003
03-25-2010, 08:34 AM
80,000 blondes were at a convention; the organisers trying to dispell the image of blondes being dum picked out a woman from the gathering and asked her a simple question.

"What is 32 plus 32?" he asked.

After a long pause she replied "65!"

The crowd immediately began chanting "Give her another chance!!!!"

"Ok" he says, "What is 8 plus 8?"

Again another long delay before she replies, "Why that is 12!"

Once more the crowd begins chanting "Give her another chance!!!!"

Reluctantly the man agrees and asks "OK last chance, What is 2 plus 2?"

For the third time the blonde goes silent before taking her time to answer, "4!"

80,000 blondes immediately chant "Give her another chance!!!!"

Brigit Astar
03-25-2010, 09:23 AM
my blonde roots resemble that remark