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dirtyolman
11-16-2008, 04:10 PM
> Little Johnny Strikes Again
>
> The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a
> sentence.
> Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my gran
> dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. The
> teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> 'fascinate, not fascinating.'
> Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock
> City and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
> but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
> she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there
> was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
> Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
> are so big she can only fasten eight.'
>
> The teacher sat down and cried

bigizzy
11-16-2008, 07:32 PM
LOL, thats funny right there! LOL

Brigit Astar
11-16-2008, 07:45 PM
hehehehe

bigizzy
11-16-2008, 08:33 PM
my only question is.....is the teacher aunt gina? or is the teacher just dissappointed in his off the wall answers? lol

jaguar
11-17-2008, 04:49 AM
I think the teacher was jealous of Aunt Gina, as well as exasperated at Little Johnnie!

Very funny by the way lol chuckle.....

niteowluk2003
11-18-2008, 07:55 AM
great gag,

Must be the same little johnny who was at this school too.

Teacher announces to her class, she is going to start with the letter A and she wants the children to call out words beginning with that letter.

Teacher says A... little johnny shouts out Arse, ignoring this the teacher continues, B again little johnny shouts out Breasts.

The teacher thiniks i know wahts coming with C so she switches and announces D, there is a momentary silence when a little girl suddenly blurts out Dwarf, miss, Dwarf.

Very good says the teacher, can anyone tell me what a dwarf is....

You guessed it little johnny yells out its a little cunt ain't it...

the teacher slumps in her chair in resignation of being out done again.

niteowluk2003
11-18-2008, 12:59 PM
or the young boy found wandering lost around the Walmart store.
A member of staff asks why he is crying and he replies he has lost his mother,
Calming the boy down she asks and what's mommy like?
The young boy says she likes big cocks and beer....

Or...

At question time the new US president Obama, was asked what was he going to do about defence...

He replied i will paint it de same as de house....

or ....

Two men in florida, were dragging a coloured guy out of the ocean with a rope around his waist. A vicar walks past and says, how refreshing to see man helping man.

After he left one man turns to the other and says, he may be a respected man of the church, but he knows fuck all about shark fishing.....

jaguar
11-20-2008, 05:39 AM
Just when I needed a good laugh! Thanks guys, will try to come up with something approaching the above examples of genius asap.

jaguar
11-22-2008, 11:26 PM
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Brigit Astar
11-23-2008, 09:23 PM
hehehe

jaguar
11-24-2008, 05:43 AM
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Brigit Astar
11-24-2008, 06:06 PM
hehehe--again, what's sauce for the goose...

niteowluk2003
11-24-2008, 07:51 PM
The maid comes up to johnny's mother and says, "It's time for my pay rise?"

The mother asks how she can be so sure she has earned a pay rise, so the maid says, "I am a beeter cook than you are!"

the mother asks, says who! your husband.

The maid says i am a better cleaner than you, again the mother says who says, your husband.

The maid then shocks the mother by saying, And finally i am a better fuck than you are!

I suppose my husband said that as well, no replied the maid the Gardener says that.

She got her pay rise.....

Brigit Astar
11-24-2008, 08:23 PM
good one

jaguar
11-25-2008, 04:21 AM
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

jaguar
11-25-2008, 05:35 AM
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

emilyleanne
11-25-2008, 05:49 AM
you all mad i tell lol thanks for the laugh xxx

jaguar
11-25-2008, 06:23 AM
Your welcome el.
Now for more madness.......

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

emilyleanne
11-25-2008, 06:29 AM
lol thanks need to laugh today xx

jaguar
11-25-2008, 06:30 AM
Hopes this helps then.

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

emilyleanne
11-25-2008, 06:34 AM
very very good lol

Brigit Astar
11-25-2008, 12:43 PM
funny funny

jaguar
11-26-2008, 01:47 PM
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J o h n n y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Johnny's eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Johnny gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

Brigit Astar
11-26-2008, 09:37 PM
hahaha - good one

jaguar
11-27-2008, 05:14 AM
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Brigit Astar
11-27-2008, 12:54 PM
hehehehehe--gets funnier and funnier

jaguar
11-27-2008, 05:23 PM
Thanks B.A.

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

Brigit Astar
11-27-2008, 06:59 PM
haw haw--you're making me bust a gut

jaguar
11-28-2008, 05:32 AM
I hope it won't need surgery! Lol....

Sorry but there's more~

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

jaguar
11-28-2008, 05:34 AM
And that's why I never called either of my sons Johnny! Lol

Brigit Astar
11-28-2008, 11:51 PM
whew--where do you get all those anyway

jaguar
11-29-2008, 04:35 AM
Friends at work, magazines, sites etc.

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

emilyleanne
11-29-2008, 04:55 AM
rofl very good

jaguar
11-29-2008, 08:01 PM
There's more!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

Miss Rogers starts head-butting the blackboard.

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 06:30 AM
rofl too early to laff my head hurts

jaguar
11-30-2008, 06:50 AM
Have a few last night, El? lol

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh, is he in my Wagon?"

The prist replies "Ye, Johnny, God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 06:53 AM
lol keep em coming
and no i never had a drink was in bed by 10 all by myself b4 u ask lol

jaguar
11-30-2008, 06:58 AM
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 07:01 AM
poor johnny lol

jaguar
11-30-2008, 07:03 AM
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

emilyleanne
11-30-2008, 07:18 AM
have u got a book on johnny lol

jaguar
11-30-2008, 07:54 AM
No, just a lot of little johnny jokes on the net!

One day there was this little boy named Johny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then she said "Where is the p."

Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."

Brigit Astar
11-30-2008, 01:47 PM
hahahah yea

jaguar
12-01-2008, 06:09 AM
And...

Heeeerre's more Johnny!

The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

emilyleanne
12-01-2008, 06:48 AM
rofl good 1

Brigit Astar
12-01-2008, 01:27 PM
heheheheh yes

jaguar
12-01-2008, 05:33 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

jaguar
12-02-2008, 05:46 AM
And just for your viewing pleasure.....

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

emilyleanne
12-02-2008, 06:10 AM
mm norty like it lol

jaguar
12-02-2008, 06:46 AM
Exactly!

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

Another oldie but goodie lol

emilyleanne
12-02-2008, 06:48 AM
yer but a good oldie ha ha

jaguar
12-02-2008, 06:51 AM
In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat"

Brigit Astar
12-02-2008, 12:49 PM
hehehe yea--that is a belly tickler

jaguar
12-02-2008, 04:36 PM
Oh, Johnny! Not again!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Brigit Astar
12-02-2008, 05:13 PM
hahaha yesss

jaguar
12-02-2008, 05:18 PM
Little Johnny was asked by his school teacher to use the word contagious in a sentence.

He said, "My dad and I were looking out the window at old Mrs. Johnson painting her fence and I asked me dad how long he thought it would take her, and he said that 'it'll take that cunt ages'"

jaguar
12-03-2008, 06:17 AM
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

jaguar
12-04-2008, 05:15 PM
Here's a quickie:
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

jaguar
12-07-2008, 07:43 AM
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

emilyleanne
12-11-2008, 06:16 AM
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

jaguar
12-11-2008, 04:39 PM
I posted that one earlier, but still a good one.

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

"Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

emilyleanne
12-11-2008, 04:50 PM
sorry never saw it

jaguar
12-11-2008, 05:10 PM
That's cool, don't sweat it. I've posted that many even I have to be careful not to repeat any, and that ain't easy!

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

That probably would have been my response too! Lol.

jaguar
12-12-2008, 09:09 AM
Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandma's beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

emilyleanne
12-12-2008, 09:12 AM
rofl very good

jaguar
12-12-2008, 09:34 AM
Thought you'd like that one lol

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?"

emilyleanne
12-12-2008, 10:12 AM
mm that took a bit of thinking about rofl

jaguar
12-12-2008, 10:46 AM
Lol.Things aren't always what they seem in comedy.....

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

emilyleanne
12-12-2008, 10:49 AM
i like that lol

jaguar
12-12-2008, 11:24 AM
Thanks!
On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad.
His father noticed him crying and asked,

"What's wrong, little Johnny?"

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you!!"

How sad, lol.

Brigit Astar
12-12-2008, 03:31 PM
hahaha now that is funny

jaguar
12-12-2008, 10:21 PM
Heh heh heh,

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in the well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Brigit Astar
12-12-2008, 10:50 PM
hehehehehehehe yea

jaguar
12-12-2008, 10:53 PM
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he
asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with
a tissue.

"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

solie24
12-13-2008, 04:42 AM
lol those are some good jokes

jaguar
12-13-2008, 07:06 PM
Glad you like them, Solie.

Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"

Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."

Brigit Astar
12-13-2008, 07:50 PM
hehehe - little Johnny is quite logical

jaguar
12-13-2008, 08:47 PM
You can't beat kid's logic for laughs!

Little Johnny was getting bad grades in school. One day
he stepped up to the teacher's desk, and announced, "I don't want to scare you Miss Finch, but daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is gonna get a spanking."

Brigit Astar
12-13-2008, 11:33 PM
hehehehe yea - good one

jaguar
12-14-2008, 12:35 AM
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"

"No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."

Missmelz
12-14-2008, 01:02 AM
Little Johnny is sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boy's nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J o h n n y ?"

Little Johnny's eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boy's nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Johnny's eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Johnny gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

jaguar
12-14-2008, 06:41 AM
Hey, I posted that one earlier! Lol

Here's another:

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend!"

Missmelz
12-14-2008, 07:09 AM
I actually did do a quick read through the list before I posted that one and must have missed it :). I didn't see this one so far

Breast milk
Little Johnny - not well-prepared - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed, "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

jaguar
12-14-2008, 07:14 AM
Good one!

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."

"Can you tell me what comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven," answers little Johnny.

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?"

"A jack," answers little Johnny.

Missmelz
12-14-2008, 08:46 AM
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a bl*w job. I'm talking about jerking off."

jaguar
12-14-2008, 08:51 AM
I know where you are getting these, Mel!

Cop this!

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Missmelz
12-15-2008, 06:42 AM
actually the last couple I got out of one of my email accounts.. there's been a spate of sending these around recently.

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

jaguar
12-15-2008, 06:46 AM
Hahaha! True!

Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"

Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

Missmelz
12-16-2008, 01:17 PM
Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my> dear?" she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."

jaguar
12-16-2008, 03:48 PM
Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."

Did you copy hers?, she asked.

Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

Brigit Astar
12-16-2008, 05:48 PM
Again, little Johnny's logic is unimpeachable

niteowluk2003
12-16-2008, 09:35 PM
Little Johnny goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad where do I come from?"

Well his dad thinks its time he knew the facts so he begins with the birds and bees and four hours and five scotch's later he announces "And that Johnny is where you come from, Why?"

Johnny replies, "Oh Peter down the road says he come from Liverpool!"

niteowluk2003
12-16-2008, 09:39 PM
Little Johnny was passing his sister's room when he sees the door is slightly open and his sister and boyfriend is at it like rabbits. He pushes the door open and asks, "what you doin' sis?"

Quickly she thinks up an excuse and announces "Oh we were just playing cards!"

A little later he passes his mother and father's room and they too are going at it, so he asks, "Are you playing cards too dad!"

His dad replies, "Oh oh yes we were playing cards!"

Then later still as he is passing his granddads room he sees him stroking his cock, and asks if he is playing cards too, when granddad says yes he asks where is your partner then.

Granddad says, "With a hand like mine who needs a partner!"

niteowluk2003
12-16-2008, 09:42 PM
Little Johnny, now aged 18, asks his work mate, "If i wait till your at work, then go round to your house and fuck your wife and leave her pregnant, would that make us related?"

His mate says "I don't know about related but it would make us even!"

niteowluk2003
12-16-2008, 09:45 PM
Johnny's girlfriend arrives at his house and announces, "Johnny I am pregnant!"

There is silence for a while until Johnny's dad speaks up, "It's a grudge baby then!"

"A Grudge baby, what do you mean?" asks the girl.

Johnny's dad answers, "It a grudge because someone has had it in for him!"

jaguar
12-17-2008, 04:43 AM
Gotta love those kid's personal insights to life!

One day, the teacher asked her class 'What vegetable makes you cry?'

Little Johnny replies "a turnip".

"No Johnny' says the teacher, "Onions make you cry, not turnips"

"No Miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

jaguar
12-17-2008, 04:44 AM
The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

emilyleanne
12-17-2008, 06:43 AM
Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

jaguar
12-17-2008, 05:44 PM
Hey, I posted that one earlier! lol

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

jaguar
12-19-2008, 05:19 AM
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"

jaguar
12-21-2008, 04:45 AM
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

Brigit Astar
12-21-2008, 05:28 PM
haha yea

jaguar
12-21-2008, 10:55 PM
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

jaguar
12-25-2008, 09:48 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY'S 1st DAY
Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"

Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.

Brigit Astar
12-25-2008, 10:37 PM
haha good one

jaguar
12-26-2008, 07:27 PM
Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to Iowa."

Brigit Astar
12-26-2008, 09:44 PM
hehehe yea--little Johnny is quite slick

niteowluk2003
01-06-2009, 11:24 AM
Sign of the times…. The train play.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to Little Johnny playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and Johnny saying, 'All of You Bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told Johnny, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard Johnny say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears Johnny continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, Johnny added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

emilyleanne
01-06-2009, 12:25 PM
rofl thats grt ty x

Brigit Astar
01-06-2009, 03:43 PM
it's a good one, but alas--I had heard it before

Missmelz
01-06-2009, 08:37 PM
hehe :) an oldie but a goodie!

jaguar
01-07-2009, 01:40 AM
Nice one, niteowl!

Here's a new joke........

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good
cook."

Short but sweet, and true, too!

Missmelz
01-07-2009, 05:57 AM
Not sure if we've seen this one... feeling lazy so i'm not going through all of the pages here :)

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

jaguar
01-07-2009, 08:36 AM
Yeah, I posted it earlier, but still a good one.

A Sunday School teacher was telling the children that God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny became fascinated when the teacher told him how Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie? Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"

Brigit Astar
01-07-2009, 03:59 PM
hehe--funny ones

jaguar
01-07-2009, 09:27 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

Brigit Astar
01-07-2009, 10:05 PM
hahahah yes

jaguar
01-07-2009, 11:58 PM
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Take off my skirt..."

Little Johnny takes off her skirt.

"Take off my bra."

He takes off her bra.

"Now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

jaguar
07-03-2009, 11:58 PM
Thought it might be a good time to bring this thread back to life!

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."

Brigit Astar
07-04-2009, 02:01 PM
hehehe yea...little Johnny strikes again

jaguar
07-04-2009, 07:02 PM
ittle Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.

"Why?" asked his father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.

Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"