Some new rules:
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for
these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it -- melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high or a stripper.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on doing movies based on crappy old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude.
I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27months.' --
'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. I'm a guy and he's not
mine so I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that? Or would you like me to check your oil?'
Have a nice fucking day!