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  1. #1
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    DD's Sex Themed Jokes

    Hope these are new to yah.


    ------------------

    One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

    The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

    The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

    The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

    The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

    The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

    The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

    The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

    -----------------------------------------

    Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
    - Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.

    - You know, my son, I didnít care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it. After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:

    - Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?

    - Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

    -----------------------------------------------

    Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

    The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and lets have a look".

    "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

    Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".

    The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

    Patient replies "He fingered me first".


    ------------------------------------------

    A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

    "Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

    "But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

    "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

    "Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

    "Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says...

    -----------------------------

    An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

    He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

    After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

    -------------------------------
    If I find more I'll pass them along.


    I'm not really a Deputy. I just play one on the Internet.

  2. #2
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    Waahhaahaahaaahaaa! That's scary but......( Excuse the pun! )
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  3. #3
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    It's been a while,DD. Where you been?
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  4. #4
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    Its like the old boy, who goes to his doctor's and says, "doctor I need some advise? I am getting married next week!"
    The doctor says, "Oh right and how old are you?"
    The man replies, "96 years old and the soon to be wife is 18!"
    "You know that could prove fatal!" says the doctor.
    The old man replies, "Well if she dies she dies!"

    Two men talking in a pub. one says to the other guy, "So you were married weren't you?"
    Second man, "Yeah I was but my wife drowned in a wishing well!"
    First man, "Oh Dear, how did that happen?"
    Second man, "I don't know I never knew they worked!"
    ;om It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice!!!;om

    ;om And just remember there is no rehearsal for life.;om



    Other stories wot I writ....
    There are too many titles of stories wot I have writ to list here but if you click on my name and then select all posting by this person you will be able to see all my work.

  5. #5
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    Two Greeks in a bar.
    One says to the other, " Have you tried it in the other hole?"
    The other one says, "And what, get her pregnant?"
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  6. #6
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    A Married man of 30, decides he wants to get rid of his wife, but can't afford a divorce! so he comes up with the perfect murder, he will fuck her to death. He figures in six weeks she will be dead.

    Every morning before they get up he screws her, after breakfast its over the kitchen table he screws her, mid morning its over the back of the sofa, before lunch its in the bathroom, after lunch it in the back garden, before dinner it's on the stairs he screws her, after dinner its in front of the fire he screws her, before retiring to bed he screws her and before going to sleep he screws her.

    Three weeks later there he is white haired, unable to get out of his wheel chair as he watches her sprinting all over the tennis court smashing rally after rally against her younger opponent and he thinks to himself, "look at the silly bitch, she don't realise she has only three weeks to live!!!!!"
    ;om It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice!!!;om

    ;om And just remember there is no rehearsal for life.;om



    Other stories wot I writ....
    There are too many titles of stories wot I have writ to list here but if you click on my name and then select all posting by this person you will be able to see all my work.

  7. #7
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    Hahahaha! Bring 'em on, niteowl!
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  8. #8
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    A young woman aged 18 goes to her doctor's and says she is getting engaged soon, so she would like some advice about sexual matters.

    The doctor says where would you like to start.

    She says a couple of times when she has been out with her boyfriend he has disappeared intot he bushes for a pee, and although she should not have she has peeped.
    What is the big shiny red thing on the end called, she asks.

    The doctor says, that my dear girl is called a helmet, or its proper medical term is a knob and its there to stop his hand flying off the end.

    Well what are those two round things about eighteen inches behind the knob, she asks.

    How far says the doctor.

    Oh a good eighteen inches, replies the girl.

    Well for yoursake girl, lets hope they are the cheeks of his arse, says the doctor.

    __________________________________________________ _______________________

    Or you have the census taker doing a survey on what type of pads women use,

    He goes to the first house and knocks on the door. the woman answers and he explains he is carrying out a survey and could he ask what type of pads she used. The woman a little embarrassed answered Tampax and slammed the door. he walks away writing down. tampax.

    The man then goes to the second house again a woman answers and he asks what type of pads she uses and is told she uses Li lets, so he walks away writing down li lets.

    At the third house he comes across an irish woman; and asks her what type of pads she uses, she says brillo (A type of wire wool pad with soap powder added) and closes the door so he walks away writing Bright cunt....
    ;om It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice!!!;om

    ;om And just remember there is no rehearsal for life.;om



    Other stories wot I writ....
    There are too many titles of stories wot I have writ to list here but if you click on my name and then select all posting by this person you will be able to see all my work.

  9. #9
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    hehehe funny

  10. #10
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    Keep 'em coming, Nite owl!
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

 

 

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