To the good, generous, wonderful people of the U.S.A.:
Let me introduce myself. I am the aunt of President Barack Hussein Obama. I am the President's father's sister. You have no doubt heard of me and of my struggle with the Immigration and Naturalization Service. They want to deport me as being an illegal alien.
This letter is both an explanation and an appeal to you, the good and generous and wonderful people of Earth's greatest nation.
After much soul-searching, I have decided that it is best if I confess to you about both my brother and me. Since the Immigration and Naturalization Service is going to announce it in a few days, I think it best that I tell you the truth beforehand.
The reason I have kept my origin and my place of birth secret for so long is that I did not want to harm my nephew—my little Bammy. (Excuse me for calling him that, but I can't help it. He may be President Obama to you, but to me he will always be my little Bammy.)
It is true that I was not born in the United States. For many years it has been believed that I was born in Kenya in Africa. Well, that is not so. The truth is, I was born on the planet Bam Wam—as was Bammy's father. He came to Earth when he was in his twenties and settled in Kenya. I came to Earth a few years afterward.
I lived with my brother in Kenya for a few years until he began traveling on business, the nature of which I am not at liberty to divulge. He got married, and he and his wife moved to different places. His business kept him on the move quite a bit. Little Bammy grew up in different places, among them in southeast Asia where he attended school.
It has always puzzled me why Little Bammy is referred to as African-American. On the planet Bam Wam as well as in many places on Earth, descent is traced through the mother's line. This is true of many countries in Africa and in southeast Asia. As everyone knows, little Bammy's mother was white, so he is not African-American at all. Neither is his father, as he was born on the planet Bam Wam.
When little Bammy's father lived in southeast Asia, I moved there. I was little Bammy's nanny; I actually took care of him more than anyone else. When his mother and father would go on extended trips, excursions and junkets, I alone took care of him. I still consider him my own little boy. I was the one who actually raised him.
When little Bammy was elected President I was able to come to America. Now I know that some say that I am an illegal alien because I stayed here in America and didn't leave when my visa expired. But I do not consider myself an illegal alien. An alien, yes—but illegal? No way. After all, my nephew is the President of the United States. I am the aunt of the most powerful person on Earth—and the leader of the free world. That should count for something.
I simply don't understand why the Immigration and Naturalization Service is so intent on deporting me. It actually wants to deport me to the planet Bam Wam. Now I am not one to make threats, but if I really
wanted to, being the aunt of the most powerful person in the world, I could make things very difficult for the Immigration and Naturalization Service. But I am not that kind of person. I am a peaceful, calm, law-abiding person—who just happens to be an alien.
I am pleading with you, good and generous and wonderful people of the U.S.A., don't let them deport me. Don't let them separate me from my little Bammy.
I perform a valuable service. I have been and still am a nanny to little Bammy's children. To deport me would harm his children.
Let me digress for a moment. I know that there is an enormous interest in the U.S.A. about my homeland and place of origin—the planet Bam Wam. As most know, the planet Bam Wam is on the other side of the sun from the Earth. It revolves around the sun at about the same speed as the Earth.. In effect, it is never seen from Earth. That is why Bam Wam was for so long “undiscovered.”
Communication and commerce and trade have been going on for quite awhile now between Earth and Bam Wam. With the discovery and advent of hyper space-speed, actual contact was made, and it became possible to travel between Earth and Bam Wam. Of course, it is expensive to travel between the two planets, and few are able to do it.
My brother was employed as a courier and an ambassador of sorts, and he came to Earth, and eventually, through means which I am not at liberty to divulge, he managed to stay on Earth and settle in Kenya. A few years afterward, I was able, with the help of my brother, to come to Earth, specifically to Kenya.
Bam Wam is about the same size as Earth, but it is lacking in natural resources. Its population is about half of Earth's. Its distance from the sun is about the same distance as the planet Mars from the sun. It is cold there most of the time, and really it is not a very hospitable place. The major resource and industry of Bam Wam is plastic. It is Earth's leading supplier of plastic. It specializes in producing plastic appendages—especially plastic ears, lips and noses. I could tell you a little funny secret about little Bammy's ears, but I better not. It would probably cause him much embarrassment and would provide his foes with ammunition that they would be only too happy to use against him.
Overall, life is hard on Bam Wam. Many Bam Wamians dream of going to Earth and of living here, and even of becoming naturalized citizens. The U.S.A. is of course their first choice, but there are numerous difficulties in making the trip and it is expensive, and because of the Immigration and Naturalization Service, it is extremely difficult to enter the country, much less stay here and become a U.S. citizen. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, and even I may not be able to stay in the U.S. much longer. Can you imagine? I—the aunt of the President of the United States—may be forced to leave this country. It is so wrong, so unjust.
I am pleading with you, good and generous and wonderful people of the U.S.A. Don't let the Immigration and Naturalization Service deport me. Don't let it take my little Bammy away from me. Or his children. In my opinion, it would be nothing less than a crime against humanity. That may sound extreme, but put yourself in my position, and see if you don't agree with me.
I am asking you to contact your Congresspeople and request that I be allowed to stay in the the greatest
nation on Earth, so that I can be near my little Bammy, and his children.
Thank you from the bottom of my two stomachs. I wiggle my ears to you in everlasting thankfulness.