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Thread: New Rules

  1. #1
    Well under way
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    Nov 2006
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    New Rules

    Some new rules:

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
    isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com

    There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
    Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
    know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
    did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for
    these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If
    you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
    Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
    water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it -- melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
    And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
    will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
    with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
    deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again,
    the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
    make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high or a stripper.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
    because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
    exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
    Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
    M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on doing movies based on crappy old television shows,
    then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
    remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
    Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
    place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
    After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
    sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or
    just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude.
    I just want to wash my hands

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27months.' --
    'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. I'm a guy and he's not
    mine so I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
    pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
    every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
    'Do you want fries with that? Or would you like me to check your oil?'

    Have a nice fucking day!


    I'm not really a Deputy. I just play one on the Internet.

  2. #2
    Picking up Speed
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    Oct 2005
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    oh that's hilarious
    What lies behind us, What lies before us, Are tiny matters, Compared to what lies within us!

  3. #3
    Picking up Speed
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    Bill Maher is a political hero- never miss Real Time- this and the Daily Show are the only news shows I watch-

  4. #4
    Picking up Speed
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    thats priceless thanks

 

 

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