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  1. #1
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    Have yourselves a very Merry Xmas!

    Barbie's Christmas List! :o)

    Barbie
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245


    Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    December 13,2008

    Dear Santa:

    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
    Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
    tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
    better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
    trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2008:


    Santa:

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
    How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
    like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
    cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

    3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

    6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
    a public relations senior account exec!

    8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
    outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. Mattel stock options. It's been 47 years--I think I deserve it.

    Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
    If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

    It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie
    Last edited by jaguar; 12-22-2008 at 07:27 AM.
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    hehehe funny--you go Barbie--go girl

  4. #4
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    There's more than just wish lists!

    CORPORATE MEMO


    To: All Staff
    Date: December 1
    Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


    The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

    Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

    The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

    We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

    Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

    As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

    1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

    2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

    3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

    4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

    5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

    6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

    7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

    8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

    9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

    10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

    11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

    Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

    Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  5. #5
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    true--all too true

  6. #6
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    Glad you like it, BA.

    If you want Ken's response to Barbie's wish list......

    Ken
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245


    Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    December 23, 2008

    Dear Santa:

    I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
    asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
    were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
    this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
    and desires.

    First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
    treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
    a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
    personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

    My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

    I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
    Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
    considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
    These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
    needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
    the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
    issue before.

    In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
    in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
    that's what he said last night.

    Sincerely,

    Ken
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  7. #7
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    I always knew that about Ken

  8. #8
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    Hahaha!

    This is what happens when someone you love actually GIVES yo everything from the 12 days of Xmas:

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 14

    Dearest John:
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With deepest love and devotion,

    Agnes

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 15

    Dearest John:
    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love,

    Agnes

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 16

    Dearest John:

    Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

    Love,

    Agnes

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 17

    Dearest John:
    Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

    Affectionately,

    Agnes
    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 18

    Dearest John:
    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

    Love,

    Agnes
    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 19

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

    Cordially,

    Agnes

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 20

    John:

    What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!

    Sincerely,

    Agnes
    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 21

    OK Buster!
    I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

    Just lay off me, smartass!

    Agnes

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 22

    Hey Shithead:
    What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

    You'll get yours!

    Agnes

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 23

    You Rotten Prick!
    Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

    I'm siccing the police on you.

    One who means it!!

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Meadow, Col.
    December 24

    Listen Fuckhead:
    What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

    Your sworn enemy,

    Agnes
    Law Offices
    Badger, Bender & Cajole
    303 Knave Street
    Chicago, Ill.
    December 25

    Dear Sir:
    This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    Cordially,

    Badger, Bender & Cajole
    We may be human, but we're still animals.;co>

  9. #9
    mmm never saw my name and addy on that list lmao

  10. #10
    Administrator Blue Story Forum Perverts
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    most hiliarious Jag, Have you considered a career as a script writer for rowan and martin's adult laugh in..... lmao only joking Jag they are great really.
    ;om It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice!!!;om

    ;om And just remember there is no rehearsal for life.;om



    Other stories wot I writ....
    There are too many titles of stories wot I have writ to list here but if you click on my name and then select all posting by this person you will be able to see all my work.

 

 

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